Almost Dorothy Tee Shirt Shop – Mom says there’s nothing tackier than self-promotion. ‘Thank God we’re tacky people,’ she says. ‘Or we’d never survive.’ Now you can help support my penchant for disaster by purchasing one of my graphic tee shirts. Mom still needs healthcare and I need new red shoes but I promise not to spend any of the proceeds on that stuff. I’ll use the proceeds to buy cake and cigarettes (for mom), condoms for her nights out with the boys. Mom says she’d rather die of a heart attack or cancer than stupidity, but I think she should add irony to that list. My red shoes have worn out but I keep writing anyway, my heart isn’t broken yet. I’m all outta luck, they say, but I’m not gonna give up. I’ve got a lion by my side and wings. Barrettes too. I’m not an angel but I’ve hung out with one before. He was the cutest boy in homeroom and what Rep. Joe Wilson would call an ‘illegal’. But he never broke the law nor lied to me about his sexuality. He was clearly attracted to men. Unfortunately, I only play one on television, however his mom plays a janitor in the real world mopping the school up at night for cold cash. Anyway, more about him and his magic mop later on. In the meantime, save the world by supporting my cause, which is to wreak havoc on passersby and stupidity, present readers excluded. Buy a shirt and wear it. ‘It won’t get you laid though’: mom says.