My next Potty Mouth Interviewee is Ellen Parker. She’s the totally awesome badass editor of FRiGG, a friggin’ hyperbolic & slap your hands together loud online literary journal. Yes, people, friggin’ read it! Ellen is also an aspiring actress. Not sure about the actress stuff, I made that up, but some of you may also know Ellen as the potty mouth of potty mouths on Twitter, which is the social networking site of potty mouths. It’s where semi-insane people say lots of crazy shit to lots of other crazy people, i.e. digital vomit, which will probably come back to haunt many of us—y’all better cut it out. Welcome, Ellen Parker, this is your 15 minutes of digital fame. Enjoy the lamelight.
Almost Dorothy: If you could be the heart of any living author, whose heart would you be?
Ellen Parker: That’s kind of gross. I would rather be someone’s pants. I would be Jake Gyllenhaal’s pants. He writes, doesn’t he?
AD: His father does. What’s it like being an editor who reads and writes?
EP: I am good at spotting typos in written materials. I miss some, though, and for this I have been sternly reprimanded by bosses.
AD: Ever been abducted by extraterrestrials?
EP: No. What’s it like?
AD: I’ve read words like ___t and co__sucker on your Twitter posts. What do your children think?
EP: Every once in a while I panic, and I “block” my Twitter account so no one can follow me without my permission and nothing I say will be picked up by Google. But then I get hold of myself. What the fuck is the fun of shouting shit on Twitter if no one’s going to see it? (This is not a hypothetical question.) What do my kids think? Not a whole lot.
AD: Did you know the “links” page on your website is broken?
EP: The “links” page isn’t broken for me. I mean, it works on my computer. Is it broken for other people? When you click on the word “Links” at the bottom of the table of contents, where do you go? Tell me. This is the kind of shit that makes an editor’s life a hell on Earth.
AD: Anywhere but here, where would you toss your ashes to the wind?
EP: It kind of depresses me to think of getting burnt up into ashes. I prefer to think of my dead body whole, rotting in the ground in a coffin. I would just lie there quietly. I wouldn’t ask anyone to toss me.
AD: Wonder Woman or Cat Woman?
EP: Wonder Woman’s costume is ridiculous. But do you remember Julie Newmar as Catwoman on the Batman TV show in the ’60s? I would like to be her. I would kick the shit out of people with my spikey black boots.
AD: Nope. Don’t remember. I wasn’t born yet. I’m only a kid. Goal you will achieve before 2012?
EP: Well, I’ll need to get a lot more Xanax by then.
Ellen Parker writes fiction and edits the online literary magazine FRiGG. Also, she acts. (She won’t tell people what she acts like. They can use their imaginations.)