This fella’ needs no introduction. Y’all know him as the Son of God but to me He’ll always be the Jesus of Pickups. I caught up with Him in Knoxville, Tennessee on the intersection of What The Fuck and Holy Shit strapped to the back of a 4×4. He was dashing and tan—even witty—and getting ready for a stint in front of someone’s house for the Holidays. He didn’t seem to mind the weather or the carbon monoxide exhaust. “The South”, He said. “Is full of contrition. And global warming is just a hoax!” He’s a big joker. Although he was in a hurry He spared a few precious moments to be interviewed for my Potty Moth series. “What the fuck,” He said. “If they can tie me to the back of a pickup, I can Potty Mouth it up with you, bitch!” Enjoy.
Almost Dorothy: WTF?
Jesus Christ: Not a fucking clue, man. I mean, this fella’ just snatched me up and strapped me in. He took off, hauled ass as if he were Whitney Houston on crack. I was healing some kids who don’t have healthcare at the old mill down by the old post office. Jesus Christ, he shouted. Come here. That’s my story man and I’m sticking to it.
AD: Didn’t Daddy tell you not to trust strangers?
JC: He was cute, Dorothy. Anyway, it’s my job.
AD: Everyone wants to know—Republican or Democrat?
JC: You gotta’ be fucking kidding me. Isn’t it obvious? The one nailed to the cross is the one we’re all afraid of—until he’s dead or strapped to a pickup. Once they kill ‘em, they worship him, because he can’t point out their hypocrisy anymore. Look in the mirror America. The world is not at your feet. She’s got ya’ by the balls and will fling your ass to Kingdom Come if you don’t shape up.
JC: I’m minding my own fucking business. Keep your hands off my gay marriage, bitches.
AD: Jesus, you are gay?
JC: Isn’t it obvious? Hello—all my followers were men. Christ, look at the patriarchy of the church. All men. Then they got the ladies locked up in a convent. I mean, you think those fuckers would get laid if they were in the general public? If they didn’t have their own field to pick from, they’d be fiddling with themselves all day.
AD: Jesus, you’re so fucking controversial.
JC: Dorothy, don’t say fucking, okay. It won’t get you into heaven.
AD: Heaven exists?
AD: Best pickup line and position ever.
JC: Hey, Jesus, how ’bout a second coming? Being strapped to this pickup is pretty fucking awesome position, isn’t it?
AD: Favorite holiday vacation.
JC: Sodom and Gomorrah.
AD: What’s your Christmas message?
JC: Dear America and Beyond, treat the gypsies, tramps and thieves with compassion. Embrace them. Don’t just tolerate the shit you don’t get. Give the gays a break. Give a dog a bone. Life isn’t about you bitches. And give yourself a big hug and stop bombing the fuck out of the Middle East. I mean, what the fuck. Also, tie up Dick Cheney because his clones will buttfuck you the moment you turn around. Save those bombs for the real motherfuckers when they arrive.
AD: Who do you mean?
JC: The V.
Jesus of Nazareth (c. 4 BC/BCE – c. 30 AD/CE), also known as Jesus Christ and Jesus Christ of the Pickup, is the central figure of Christianity and Christmas, which views him as the Messiah foretold in the Old Testament, and within which most denominations (and lunatics) recognize him as the Son of God and as God incarnate. Islam considers Jesus a prophet and also the Messiah, whereas Judaism rejects these claims. Currently Jesus Christ is employed by Xe, formerly known as Blackwater, and lives in Tennessee. Visit his website www.jesuschrist.com