Fred Phelps, God Hates You, motherfucker! And the fucking horse you rode in on. Fred is Almost Dorothy’s Potty Mouth of the Year. This is a huge honor for assholes everywhere–yes, I’m talking about you Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Dick Cheney, Michelle Bachmann, and Sarah Palin, who were all runners-up. For those of you who don’t know him, Fred is a Baptist preacher and all-around motherfucker who’s probably never had a blow job in his entire life–at least not one given by a human. This assface leads the Westboro Baptist Church, yes, a CHURCH, which is exempted from federal taxes and protected by the U.S. Constitution and runs a fab website called, Holy Shit, GodHatesFags.com. His followers are famous for making homemade signs that read “God Hates Fags”, “God Hates Jews”, and “God Hates ____ (insert anything)”. But, Fred has a new target now and it’s the fabulous Lady Gaga, who just announced she’ll match contributions to a new program that will assist homeless gay, lesbian, and transgendered youth get off the streets. (Yah, Gaga is an asshole, right Fred!) Yes, Fred hates French toast too! And probably you. Watch out.
Yes, I know, Fred Phelps enjoys picking the funerals of people who’ve died of AIDS and soldiers killed in Iraq and Afghanistan. Man, who doesn’t want to protest that shit. Mom asked, “Why select such a fuckerface for Potty Mouth of the Year?” “Well,” I said: “because hate has a face and an anus.” (See: Fox News too.) Hate doesn’t live in the dark. It lives in America. And it’s all fired up these days. Fred is all up in there and he’ll tear you down if he ever gets the chance. I don’t know, maybe this award will give him peace of mind, or hemorrhoids. If not, maybe someone will pee in his face. Fuck you Fred Phelps, I love you. Read the full interview below.
(Note: Fred Phelps was not harmed during this interview, nor was he actually interviewed for this interview. Almost Dorothy would like to extend her warmish wishes to Fred Phelps, the Westboro Baptist Church, his entire inbred family, and all the hard working fags (with or without AIDS) and soldiers who make this fucking country the best motherfucking country on the planet. Merry Christmas assholes!)
Almost Dorothy: Fred, what does shit taste like?
Fred Phelps: Heaven.
AD: Why protest people who’ve died of AIDS? That’s so 1980’s.
FP: Well, fag lover, because I’m doing Satan’s God’s work.
AD: What do you want for Christmas?
FP: World peace.
AD: What’s it like having sex with your daughter?
FP: She’s hot, but not as hot as my mother. I love cats too. For Christmas we’re gonna’ do a 3 way with the barber down the street—mom, the barber, and little old me. The barber is really hot–tight ass, nice meat,big nuts–and digs pencil dick men like me. No, Dorothy, I’m not gay. I just play one on television. That being said, I still hate fags and french toast.
AD: The Advocate reports you’re starting a new movement against Lady Gaga: Does God really hate Lady Gaga and how do you know?
FP: Yes, God hates Lady Gaga. I made a sign. All you need is a sign. If you have a sign, there’s your proof. Simple as that. I mean you don’t need to be a fucking scientist to be a fucking xenophobic racist asshat wearing moneky-shit talking testicle licking eating dickhead like me, motherfucker.
AD: Fred, what gives?
FP: Mom prefers dad over me.
AD: Are you gay?
FP: Fuck no, but I know everything there is to know about it.
AD: Favorite position?
FP: The donkey kong.
FP: Well, there’s a donkey with a giant kong. It’s a family tradition. What makes it so special? Well, Almost Dorothy, first you get some Wesson Oil, but Olive Oil works best. Use Vaseline if you’re really desperate. Spread ’em. Fill the hole with whipped cream and strawberries. Do the neutron dance. Wait 10 minutes. It’s fucking awesome.
AD: Do you use a real donkey or a one trick pony?
FP: Whichever you can lure inside first.
AD: What makes you so special?
FP: I don’t have AIDS. I speak the truth. I love it on all 4s. Because I represent the true face of America, I speak for the people, humans too. When things gets real tough one day, like 9/11 or Armageddon tough, people will go nuts and flock to Westboro, for salvation. People like me are people. Never forget that, bitch!
AD: Fuck you Fred. You’ll never sleep in peace.
Fred Waldron Phelps, Sr. (born November 13, 1929) is an American pastor who is the founder of the Westboro Baptist Church (WBC), an independent Baptist church based in Topeka, Kansas which is notorious for its anti-gay protests, claiming that most natural disasters and terrorist attacks are God’s punishment for a society that tolerates homosexuality. The church is monitored as a hate group by the Anti-Defamation League and Southern Poverty Law Center.