Mom says I shouldn’t curse or cuss or make loud noises when I sleep. She says I shouldn’t give people the finger or talk behind their back or say fuck anymore. She says I should have as much respect for the dead as the living. She says I shouldn’t mock people who don’t know any better, like republicans or people who watch American Idol. She says I shouldn’t make fun of her or talk potty. She says stop being a jerk. Stop shouting at people on the bus. Stop stealing Certs from Publix. If you don’t stop making an ass of yourself, she says, you’ll turn into one. Just like you? I ask. Yes, she says. You fucking bitch. So long 2009. Mom and I will miss you, sort of. 2010, watch your ass! We’re coming for you.