Posted in Almost Dorothy, Characters, Family, Squinny, The Mother, Themes

Almost Dorothy: Pat Robertson Sucks


Mom called Pat Robertson today toll-free at 800-759-0700 to give his ‘religious’ organization her opinion on the statements he made on the ‘Christian’ Broadcasting Network’s the 700-Club. Pat said Haitians deserve what they got because they had made a ‘pact with the devil’ (like a pack of wolves?) to get them out from under the heel of French colonial oppression and domination. True story: mom told the young gentleman who answered the phone at Pat’s organization that one day very soon God will fuck Pat in the ass and mouth with 700 clubs. A variety of clubs, she said, baseball clubs, golf clubs, seal clubs, club soda, Colt-45. I couldn’t believe what mom said. I was so embarrassed I called my friend Squinny and she said cool and who is Pat and do you want to go to 7-11. Squinny is not very political but she loves to read the bible, especially the part about sodomy, while slurping a Slurpee. Pat is always talking shit about blacks and gays, which relieved Squinny because she’s almost transgendered, not black or gay. Before mom hung up the phone she told the guy if God doesn’t take care of Pat she’d cut-em’-up & put-’em-in the wood chipper face first. I think mom’s gonna’ have to chill, to get some help, to relax. Fuck that she said. I wish him the worst. Christianity is not about blaming the dead for our inability to save them. Christianity, mom said, is about saving them before they’re dead. I don’t think Pat can be saved. Roast the pig, she said, then hung up.

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I'm not real, but I'm a writer.

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