My BFF Squinny says if you use a phrase like touch of class you should be shot. Squinny isn’t tolerant of other people or people who look like Anderson Cooper or are Anderson Cooper. She said he looks like a perv but totally hot in a sexy not temperate way. I love Andy, she says. He’s the kind of guy I want to marry. I don’t know why Squinny wants to marry a gay man. I mean, why get a sex change and then marry Anderson Cooper. Because, Squinny says, he’s afraid of real men. He needs a woman like me. Squinny wants a new iPhone. She wants to sail around the world in Andy’s arms. She wants a prenuptial agreement in her favor. Squinny and I had our first kiss in first grade and it was the first time we realized we weren’t meant for each other in that way. I swear, she wants to have a baby one day, but I don’t have the courage to break the news. I’ll name him Andy, she says, and I’ll love him like a sonofabitch.