I had to hitchhike home from Denver because I lost my identification card. The TSA wouldn’t let me on the airplane because they thought I would cause problems, like put my tongue in the pilot’s ear or trip the stewardess as she passed out gin and tonics. I’m not a jerk, I’m a kid. I really think the TSA are jerks and stink really really bad. However, I’ve forgiven them. On my way home, I discovered what I will be when I grow up. For example, first of all, and foremostest, I want to be a trucker because truckers drive trucks, and trucks are awesome. Trucks have wheels and a horn that toots really loud. I also want to be a hooker, but that’s because they get to hang out with truckers often. But hookers don’t have trucks, at least not the big big trucks that I want one day. I also kind of want to be a Taxi driver but I hate the color yellow. I love the color purple but someone said I can’t paint my taxi purple because no one will want to ride in my taxi. I also want to be a mechanic. I like tools. I like grease. Enough said about that. I’m also considering a career in cow farming, or herding, or whatever it is you call it when you raise cows and turn them into milk. It’s fascinating. I always thought milk came from breasts. Anyway, when I got home, mom was pissed cause I arrived like 4 or 13 days later than she expected. She said she almost called the cops but changed her mind because she wasn’t sure how she’d explain why she sent me away to Denver in the first place. Mom didn’t want to get arrested, again. In any place, I’m home. Mom is home. Bobo the Mutt is home. Amanda Bernstein is home. The phone is off the hook and I definitely don’t want to be a hooker now that I think of it. I really like to drive trucks. I don’t want to be tossed out of ’em at the end of the day like most hookers are tossed aside like a piece of meat, or cow tongue. On second thought, maybe I’ll start a labor union for hookers and fight for safe working conditions for all hookers, and even non-hookers, or friends of hookers, like teachers. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. I’ll open up a union for hookers and maybe then women will finally get the respect they deserve. Truckers are jerks. They’re big fat fucking jerks.