Posted in Almost Dorothy, Random Shit


Here’s #4 on Almost Dorothy’s list of the “Top 10 Endangered Species of the Gulf Coast Who Can’t Read or Write”

4. Mr. Testis: The last known testis, simply known as Mr. Testis, may be dead. Separated from his mother at birth, Mr. Testis lived a solitary life as an artist and fisherman along the Gulf Coast region. When Mr. Testis was nineteen, a New York City gallery, something called the MOMA, featured his artwork in a one man show. At the time, the New York Times declared that “Mr. Testis Is An Artist with Balls!”

Legend says that Mr. Testis was once the smartest ball in the hood. He wasn’t afraid of anything, not even zippers or dentures. One day Mr. Testis decided to run for President of the United States or POTUS. However, he lost to the famous talk show host, Mr. Clam Beck, who successfully labeled Mr. Testis’s liberal agenda as a communist-socialist-nazi-cannibal plot to takeover clams and oysters everywhere. Mr. Beck’s Utopian platform was based on the idea that the free-wheeling-brainless-capitalist-market-system-ism is the answer to everything. Even anal warts. Thus, he hired Mrs. Sarah Whalin’ to be his right hand clam & official warthog. Unfortunately for America, also know as the United States of Terror &  Turds, the damage had been done. Mr. Beck’s ascension to the White House sealed Mr. Testis fate as another casualty of capitalism in the Gulf Coast. Mr. Clam Beck fought to loosen the government’s grip on oil drilling in the Gulf Coast and won. As a result, BP Oil continued to spill oil into the Gulf in perpetuum. It wasn’t a pretty sight.

Interesting Note: What no one knew then, which means everyone knew then, is that Mr. Clam Beck’s Utopian delusion of the power of free markets was, in fact, an illusion. Since it was revealed that the oil industry was the most subsidized & lazily regulated industry in the USA, the GOBP party has tried to right the ship with their slapstick on Fox News. Just the other day, the New York Times headline read: “As Oil Industry Fights Tax, It Reaps Subsidies.” The next day, the New York Times was forced to move to New Jersey. To Mr. Clam Beck’s surprise, which really was a surprise since he never reads, he found his name on the list of endangered species. After leaving the Ass Wipe House, Mr. Beck realized he was one of a kind, a kind of quandumb singularity of sorts that actually inhabits the dystopia of his own creation. His call for government intervention fell on deaf ears since all ears are deaf in the age corporate socialism. As the Supreme Gourd reaffirmed, the United States of Corporations hold these truths to be self-evident, that all corporations are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Mr. Testis.

Mr. Clam


I'm not real, but I'm a writer.

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