Posted in Almost Dorothy, Politics, Themes

Dear Rick Scott

Gollum (Rick Scott)

Ma says you suck and that your commercial for governor sucks too. She says suck almost always after she says Scott. Scott sucks this. Scott sucks that. It’s like you’re a sucking machine. After listening to ma talk about how you suck, I want to get a lollipop and suck it. Ma especially hates your advertisement that promotes a 7 step plan for bringing jobs back to Florida. She says, and I quote, “it sucks!” Let’s address your advertisement point by point:

1. Accountability in Budgeting: Ma farts when Rick Scott says he wants to bring accountability in budgeting to Florida when his company, HCA Healthcare, defrauded Medicare out of hundreds of millions of dollars. Rick Scott’s company was fined $1.7 BILLION for this crime. Now, Rick Scott Sucks plans to bring his sucking brand of “accountability” to Florida. Rick Scott, why not just bring Bernie Madoff to suck Florida dry? Rick Scott, you suck and you can stick your brand of accountability up your butt. That’s what ma says.

2. Cut Property Taxes: Well, Rick. This is a politically popular idea. Cut property taxes. Cut all taxes. Cut taxes on carrots. Cut taxes on corn. Cut taxes on gum. But, Rick Scott, how will you achieve point 1, “accountability in budgeting”, when your plan to cut property taxes will massively underfund the State government. Who will be around to account for all the misaccounting you say is going on?  Who will rescue us when the next hurricane plows through Florida? Who will teach our kids when you run out of funds to fund local school districts? Who will fund cops to keep those kids from eating one another? Who will pay for firemen to put the fire out at the governor’s mansion? Where will the funds come from to operate one of the most populous states in the United States? Will you use the Medicare funds you stole from the Federal Government to run Florida?

3. Reduce the Government Workforce: Well, yes, of course. Fire people. That’s your big idea for bringing jobs to Florida. FIRE PEOPLE. REDUCE THE WORKFORCE. FIRE PEOPLE. Ma asks, Rick Scott, why don’t we fire you and reduce the government workforce instead of firing people who actually do good for the State of Florida? Like those people who audit healthcare companies so that they don’t defraud Medicare? Why do you want to be part of the problem and not the solution? Go f-cking fire yourself, Rick? You suck!

4. Eliminate Earmarks: What the hell is wrong with beauty marks? Earmarks are like God’s tattoo for the ear. Keep your hands off my ears, you dirty bastard! That’s what ma says. I just nodded my head in compliance.

5. Drug Test Welfare Recipients: This will really bring jobs back to Florida. If welfare recipients stop using drugs, where will the drug dealers work? If the drug dealers can’t find work, then what will drug dealers do for work? Run for governor of the State of Florida (Rick Scott), California (Carly Fiorina), and Connecticut (Linda McMahon)? Ma says to keep your goddamn hands off her drugs. She works 3 part-time jobs without any healthcare insurance. It’s the drugs that keep he sane after 16 hours working 3 shifts while shitbags like you grab her ass all day as her boss money grubs and snorts cocaine off his tax return check. Why not campaign on the slogan, “Drug Test Wealthy Medicare Defrauders like Rick Scott.” Ma says, Rick Scott, go drug test my ass. (Her ass. Not my ass. Don’t touch my ass, you ass.)

6. Phase Out The Business Income Tax: So businesses that use state funded roads, highways, intersections, municipal services, and the firemen, policemen, and relevant workforce that you want to reduce should be exempt from paying taxes that keep our infrastructure up to date. So you’re saying everyday Floridians should pay a greater share of the tax burden because you don’t think corporations should pay their fair share. So you say ma should feel good about eliminating the tax burden on her 3 employers pay while they stiff her on healthcare insurance and pay her minimum wage. Rick Scott, you suck sweaty balls. Come down and serve drinks and Ricky’s Diner. Drug test the whole goddamn crew if you like. That’s what ma says. I have nothing to do with this.

7. Regulatory Reform: Allow a criminal (Rick Scott) to regulate business. F-ck you, Rick Scott. You suck! Ma’s words, not mine.

So, Rick Scott, you pretty much suck. I know. You’ll probably win the governor’s race and ship me and my ma to some re-education camp in Tallahassee. Maybe you’ll send me to Jesus Boot Camp and force God down my throat just like the guys at the bar where ma works try to force things down her throat because there aren’t enough cops around to keep her safe at work. Plus, her boss doesn’t care. He’s too busy out campaigning for you, Rick Scott.

Yours Truly,

Ma & Me


I'm not real, but I'm a writer.

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s