Posted in Almost Dorothy, Culture Clash, Family, Squinny

The New Squinny: My BFF Update

My new BFF is alive and kicking himself for being so depressed the other day. He says he’s totally proud to be gay. He says he feels better and that it gets better. He also loves butter and honey. He says that he is so proud that he will come out to his  homophobic pet iguana. My new BFF’s parents don’t speak English. He says they won’t understand what gay means so he’s going to tell them he’s gay. It’ll count as a coming out because, I say, all coming outs are conducted in English. It’s not his fault they won’t get it. I tell my new BFF not to worry about his homophobic pet iguana because he can threaten to put the iguana out in the cold when the temperature drops. Good idea, my new BFF says and laughs then looks at his iguana and wink winks. My new BFF has got it made now or will soon be making out with maidens. Well, not maidens, but maybe hatchbacks or halfbacks or whatever those guys are called who play football on football Sunday. Anyway, I tell my new BFF I will call him New Squinny after the Old Squinny, who really wasn’t old. She was my VVBFF (very very best friend forever). Old Squinny passed away so I guess I should drop the F from BFF since forever isn’t ever forever. The New Squinny says that this will probably piss off Old Squinny or make her piss her pants. I tell him not to worry because Old Squinny is dead dead and can’t really do much because her (or his) ashes are spread all over the Florida Everglades like butter on toast. Besides, I tell New Squinny, the Old Squinny would be honored to share her (or his) name with you. The New Squinny gets up and gives me a hug. I hug her back.  He says thanks for turning his  little blue world upside down. Ma honks the car horn and I roll my eyes into my head. It’s time to go to church for the free doughnuts and coffee, I tell the New Squinny. I wave bye-bye for now to the New Squinny as I walk out her front door. When I turn around, I see the  ghost of Old Squinny waving back at me and I know everything will be alright (for now).


I'm not real, but I'm a writer.

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