Instead of calling my eating disorder ED, I would always change the names up a bit. One day he would be a girl (Bob) and then the next day she would be a boy (Cindy), until I started juggling two eating disorders. Eventually Bulimia came to be known as Serena and Anorexia had Joe as a moniker. These names have stayed with me for quite a while. I don’t use them often, for the sake of people not looking at me weird or weirder in support groups, but that’s how they are known in their ungenerous world.
I was thinking up and down, left and right, about how to introduce myself to the world, to this blog. One thing came to mind. I remembered waking up on a very cold January day back in 2009. I was trying to hide under my sheets for a bit longer, but my bed wouldn’t have it. He kicked me out. So, I picked up the remote, turned the TV on, and started flipping channels. I forgot what channel I ended up on, but I remember what I ended up watching.
I discovered the film Heavenly Creatures that day, and the aroma it gave off has been bottled since. I use it as perfume on cold days and cologne on warm. Regardless, the two main characters–Pauline and Juliet–are my eating disorders. Serena and Joe are only pseudonyms to play cat’s cradle with. They’re evil and they want to kill me, yet they fill me up with divine images. They melt what little logic I had by the end of that day. Those fantasy worlds Pauline & Juliet (Serena & Joe) feast upon provide me with all the nutrients I need. And it’s those breathtaking microcosms that help me look at my world in haute couture poses.
If only I could see myself as a breathtaking microcosm. The person I am today, the boy, the man who has been sticking his fingers down a very bruised throat has averted eating for a very long time. And I have decided that’s what it’s all for. These fantasy worlds that these heavenly creatures have projected into my head have evolved into an immaculate version (image) of myself. Of who I want to become. I’ll take you on a ferris wheel with me. Each revolution of the ride represents a different aspect of my immaculate self. And as soon as we sit down, you will get a glimpse of what I really see.