Posted in Politics

10 Things You Should Know About Rick Scott (According to Ma)

Rick Scott For Governor
Image by calebism via Flickr

Please note: most of the FYIs below may or may not relate directly or indirectly to Rick Scott, (aka Gollum) Governor of Florida. Furthermore, none of the following FYIs should be taken with a grain of salt or pepper. In fact, ma has high-blood pressure, not from smoking pot, but because her blood is high, elevated with Red Bull.

FYI 1: Ma says Rick Scott violated state statues by illegally and inappropriately selling airplanes owned by the taxpayers of the State of Florida (Miami Herald). She also says what do you expect from a criminal who was the CEO of HCA/Healthcare, the same company that committed the largest US Health Care Fraud in history and was fined $1.7 Billion! (United States Department of Justice).

FYI 2: Ma says never make out with a drunk when you are depressed or you may get poked in the eye by a Gremlin or a penis with dientes, which means teeths in English.

FYI 3: Ma says it’s okay, age-appropriate, alright to drink a lot a lot so long as you don’t barf on your date. Aim for foes, she says. Like Rick Scott.

FYI 4: Ma says after decades of protection as “de facto” wilderness, the National Park Service has decided to open up 130 miles of off-road vehicle (ORV) trails in the Big (Ass) Cyprus Preserve, plus secondary trails, three parking lots off Interstate 75 with 47 trailer sized parking spaces each for loading and unloading ORVs, and a motorized campground. Access to motor vehicles, vehicles with motors, has never been allowed on these lands (Palm Beach Post). Rick Scott has nothing to do with this plan however as Governor Gollum of Florida he has the responsibility to speak out in our state’s best interests.

FYI 5: Ma says never take it from behind from a Portuguese cell phone repairman carved out of wood. Splinters, she says, are fucking splinters.



FYI 6: I just blushed.

FYI 7: Rick Scott, Gollum Governor of Florida, rejected $2.7 billion worth of funding for high-speed-rail from the Federal Government. This project has been underway for over 10 years and could have brought thousands of jobs to the state. Scott, before elected, promised to boost total employment. Instead, Scott is playing Russian roulette with Florida’s most important industry–tourism–by minimizing the economic value of quickly shuttling people back and forth from the state’s main attractions. It would be nice to hop on a high-speed train to major tourist destinations in Florida just like ma and I did when we went to  Spain (Los Angeles Times). There’s a good chance, ma says, that Rick Scott is bowing to special corporate interests (the airline industry) just like SouthWest Airlines killed a bullet train proposal in Texas (Wall Street Journal). Scott says the train will burden taxpayers which really means the train project will probably burden them with extra jobs, more travel options, and cheaper prices due to competition.

FYI 8: Obviously, ma says, Rick Scott is not a progressive. He’s a conservative which, in our antiverse, means Slurpee suck every last Red Bull blood cell out of Florida’s locofuckingmotive economy.

FYI 9: Ma says her favorite song for Rick Scott is “Stripped” by Depeche Mode because in that state of strippedness hu(man)s are the ugliest and that’s when we stand out.



FYI 10: Dry humping is most dangerous during the dry season.

FYI 10.1: Rick Scott’s nominee to lead Florida’s Agency for Persons with Disabilities, Carl Littlefield, resigns because it was revealed that he okay’d a practice known as “quiet time.” That’s when male residents were permitted (or forced?) to have sex with each other. (Ma’s not sure what’s wrong with male on male sex but obviously this isn’t good for Scott’s reputation as a Christian fundamentalist.) Littlefield was a jucking ferk for allowing sex abuse to happen while in charge, which leads ma to the question: Why did Rick Scott pick him to watch over the disabled? (WTSP 10 News).


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