Posted in Almost Dorothy, Culture Clash

“National Penis Day”


Penis Graffiti | Granada, Spain | Photo by Neil de la Flor

Ma says she loves Poya Linda. I ask her why she loves Linda and ma says she doesn’t love Linda. She says she loves Poya Linda. I think ma is a lesbian and is in love with Linda but that’s on the other side of the point. Ma looks at me like I’m a jerk for talking smack about Linda. I’m eating baked beans with my mouth open while ma explains what Poya Linda means in English. I almost have an aneurysm. Beautiful Penis, she says, is Poya Linda. I tell ma a beautiful penis is an oxymoron just like she is an ox and a moron.

National Penis Day | Japan

I look up Poya Linda on the internet, just to confirm ma’s theory of penises, and discover that the citizens of Komaki, Japan are celebrating “National Penis Day”. Actually, Maureen Seaton sent me the link yesterday and she is kind of like the internet but she is real real and not like the internet at all except when she sends ma and I links about penises.

National Penis Day | Japan

Ma and I celebrated “National Penis Day” in Miami. We didn’t wear our penis glasses. Instead we showed off our pride and stuff, which means we showed our proud penises to neighbors and pedestrians. They said hurrah and oh my god. The guy who lives four houses down called the cops because he said he’s religious, which leads me to the crucifix penis.

Crucifix Penis | National Penis Day | Japan

Ma says that when she had a penis she felt like she was carrying a giant crucifix between her Netherlands. Ma doesn’t have a penis, at least not anymore, but she showed the neighbors a picture of her penis when she had a penis. It looked like a real penis. That  photograph was taken way back when before I was conceived or born or brought to life. Back when ma was a boy with two balls and such. I’m not exactly sure how I was made, or if I exist in this or that space-time condominium, but I have a new appreciation for penises that I never knew I had before.

National Penis Day | Japan

Ma says everything is big and better in Japan. Just look at the smile on their faces, she says. If only we appreciated the dicks we have, instead of the dicks that we are, this country would be much a happier space. Ma is generally brilliant when she reminisces about penises and about the past she lived before she became my mother during a time period in which the Heisenberg uncertainty principle was the only principle she was certain of.

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I'm not real, but I'm a writer.

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