I turned 25 on Monday. I went and had myself a real good time at the Ritz Carlton on Key Biscayne. I ate some. Drank some, and then walked some. Then, I decided to stare at the ocean, and I was inspired. Inspiration has been a stranger to me for a while now, almost like it was this visible whatchamacallit that would come around the Pocahontas bend once in a while, give out this loud yelp, like if a Père David’s Deer accidentally stepped on its own foot, and always smelled good. It smelled good, but I couldn’t taste the good, like if I had a very nice cold. Then I couldn’t smell the good, because it would run away.
The ocean taught me a couple of things. I don’t get into the ocean, because those couple of things are dangerous. On the evening of my 21st birthday, I remember feeling off. I went to go eat at TGI Friday’s with a couple of peoplefriends, then took off to South Beach with four friendpeople. I remember the sweet n’ low comment, I remember walking past a fashion house and then I remember walking up to the edge of the ocean. The breeze was tough, the waves were horny, and the night was deaf. Then the realization of how much I despised the person, the soul, the heart of who I was, who I wasn’t, and who I wanted to never be, drilled into my skull. I hated Larry.
Four tigerbeetle sex years later. I was staring into the ocean. Recovering. Recovering from what took little time after that odious revelation to develop. Recovery takes alot of your time. It steals so much of your emotional embracement. It takes up alot of your mental suitcase, and physically it shows. I don’t know what to embrace emotionally now. A part of me is very proud of how far I have come, another part of me is very psycho happy, another is very mickey mouse sad, and then I’m very confused. Do I really want to get better? Of course I do. Do I really want to get better? Of course I don’t.
It is a constant tug-of-war.
By Larry Leiva
For Almost Dorothy, Larry writes his autobiography and documents his long-term struggle with Anorexia and Bulimia. Larry is not afraid to talk about life as a guy (or boy) (or boy-to-man) (man) dealing with multiple eating disorders (ED). He is not afraid of dispelling the myth that ED only affects girls and that it’s easy to beat. Because it’s freaking hard to beat.