1. Was an old Irish goat.
2. Wished her were the grand dame of Ireland and the stuff that equals an emerald green crushed velvet petticoat.
3. Bailamos, he said to the old goat wearing the emerald forest on her or his back.
4. Was a slave and escaped to win back the hearts of his family and friends and those who wished he would just give in to whatever and over.
5. He danced with bears and duck-billed platypuses or pi.
6. He collected hagiographies and locked them in a treasure chest in his heart of tombs where the word Tom laid to rest beside his open wound of wombs before their last chick-a-boom boom boom.
7. Disregard #6.
8. The road to reality is a complete concept devised by Saint Patrick on Thursday between the holy days of solemnity and obligation.
9. Was obligated to file taxes and serenade Pope Celestine (Prophesy) I. Not sure what happened to Pope Celestine (Prophesy) II.
10. In his own words, Patrick wrote, “I saw a man coming, as it were from Ireland. His name was Victoricus, and he carried many letters, and he gave me one of them. I read the heading: ‘The Voice of the Irish’. As I began the letter, I imagined in that moment that I heard the voice of those very people who were near the wood of Foclut, which is beside the western sea—and they cried out, as with one voice: ‘We appeal to you, holy servant boy, to come and walk among us.'”
11. In other words, Saint Patrick was possessed by mushrooms.
12. Wished he were a drag queen at his own parade sipping beer as he frolics with leprechauns.
13. I will survive, he might have said. Or maybe it was Donna Summers.
14. The druids, not the droids, called Patrick from across the English Channel or Chanel and said, “crazed in the head, your cloak with a hole for the head, your stick bent in the head, we will chant impieties from a picnic table in front of your goblin house.”
14b. He tossed them biscuits.