Posted in Almost Dorothy, Poetry, Random Shit

The Theory of Color

emission spectrum of iron
emission spectrum of iron

Once upon a time, Yellow met Blue. Yellow was high and his face was blue, probably because of all the smoke in his chest. Blue thought, this is cool. Yellow can hold his breath for a long time while smiling and dancing with a broom. Clowns are never blue. The room was always smokey. Jumbo jets the size of parked cars flew overhead.

This one day, the day Yellow and Blue were in Blue’s red car, Blue asked Yellow what’s new. Nothing new, said Yellow, the look on his face was bearish. Blue hardly believed Yellow because Blue knew things about the world–like statistics and math. Science never lies like religion lies, he thought (or thinks). Yellow was full of God and shit.

Yellow: _____________________________.

Silence is like math. It’s invisible but reveals the universe. How things work and don’t work. How we travel from point A to point B in this or that amount of time. The calorie(s) of a black bean.

Blue: Are you sure?

Yellow: I’m sure.

Then one day in the month of Halloween, because this month is when those (or these) things happen, Blue took Yellow to the zoo in his red car. It was filled with caged pants and shirts, the zoo, not the car. Sofas and pillows.Things used like books that were never and will never be read. These animals were not like the animals in any zoo or the wild. They didn’t consume oxygen or protein. They were like stars: permanent, but not really.

Binary Stars: binary stars are locked in an eternal dance; or a dance that ends when one star crashes into another under the direct influence of gravity; sometimes gravity overwhelms and destroys the things we love the most, like strawberry ice cream and primary colors.

In the parking lot, which was really metered street parking, these two colors, Yellow & Blue, began to phase, or fizz, beneath the bearded sky. This was before the invention of moustaches. Blue looked around Yellow’s eyes and began to notice green and orange, brown and magenta, aquamarine and a billion shades of unidentifiable colors, busting out like broken, abstract lines. Blue recognized the color of radiation on Yellow’s face–a sort of unsubstantiated substance born out of bad weather.

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Yellow: Now, I have a reason to live.

Blue: You do. You did.

The car ride home was not a ride. It no longer mattered that the sky was blue because it was just what they could see when they were looking for blue–perceptual shifts are the province of aliens. The car was not blue. Yellow was not Blue. They were not blue. The car was not a car. It was a bike made out of recycled car parts.

Blue: Just breathe.

Yellow: I always do.

Blue: Ok.

Yellow staring out the window.

Color theory states that all colors posses a particular meaning that are somehow fixed and immutable like iron or the Word, but those meanings can be repossessed and renamed by psychology, or men who wear pants to the beach. Math can’t govern the universe like emotions can.

The guy on the beach was reading a book. He looked like Yellow. The tarpon hunted a school of fish, their silvery backs breaching the surface marked a kill–the exact moment of death. The guy on the beach was reading a book that looked blue. The boys in the water photographed the tarpon breaching the surface. The moon was always the moon even though it looked like a sugar cookie. The guy on the beach was reading a book that looked blue, but it wasn’t a book. It was not Blue.

The flip flops were waiting for something else to wear.

Yellow: Do you remember the moon?

Blue: I hate fire to the core.

Finally, before the beach, before the red car parked in a metered world, before the night with the dancing broom, Yellow and Blue met a man wearing blue jeans and a white coat. He stood next to a window. He said things in two languages–each word a vibration, each language a new color spectrum. It sounded like God, Blue said. It did, Yellow said.

There was a pie chart and everything was color-coded.

**Note on the Emission Spectrum: “The emission spectrum of a chemical element or chemical compound is the spectrum of frequencies of electromagnetic radiation emitted due to an atom or molecule making a transition from a high energy state to a lower energy state. The energy of the emitted photon is equal to the energy difference between the two states. There are many possible electron transitions for each atom, and each transition has a specific energy difference. This collection of different transitions, leading to different radiated wavelengths, make up an emission spectrum. Each element’s emission spectrum is unique. Therefore, spectroscopy can be used to identify the elements in matter of unknown composition. Similarly, the emission spectra of molecules can be used in chemical analysis of substances.”

Posted in Almost Dorothy, Random Shit

Super Moon

Super (Moo)n | Photo by Neil de la Flor

FYI #1:   This is the moon, not the sun, or an imposter.

FYI #2:   That is ma’s shadow to the left of the landing strip of light.

FYI #3:   Light travels at the speed of ma’s lipstick.

FYI #4:   In lieu of the super moon, ma and I mooned the moon.

FYI #5:   We mooed, too.

FYI #6:   Where is the moon when I’m in school?

FYI #7:   The periapsis is the shortest distance of a body (me) from one of the foci of its elliptical orbit (ma).

FYI #8:   Even though ma is the apoapsis to my periapsis, we both end in s.

FYI #9:   I want to lick the photons off the moon so that I can dream of fire-breathing dragons again.

FYI #10: When I sleep, I’m a dragon.

FYI #11:  I’m also a queen.

FYI #12: Ma said we should make an offering to the super moon and then she (or he) hugged me like a big gay football payer might after winning the Super Bowl.

FYI #13: I love the trajectory of madness.

FYI #14:  Before ma jumped in, she took off her bra and pretty hat.

Posted in Almost Dorothy, Random Shit

2010 In Review

Free Aung Sang Suu Kyi.

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

Healthy blog!

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

Featured image

About 3 million hoochie coos visit the Taj Mahal every year. This blog was viewed about 38,000 times in 2010. If it were the Taj Mahal, it would take about 5 days for that many hoochie coos to see it.

In 2010, there were 181 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 243 posts. There were 230 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 209mb. That’s about 4 pictures per week.

The busiest day of the year was February 16th with 335 views. The most popular post that day was Dear America.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were facebook.com, networkedblogs.com, en.wordpress.com, twitter.com, and scene360.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for jabba the hut, rosa parks, rosa parks pictures, pythagorean theorem, and mermaid.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Dear America August 2009
1 comment

2

Kristine Snodgrass: An Interview with a Fledgling Starlet February 2010
1 comment

3

Elizabeth Doud: Mermaid Study January 2010

4

Kermit the Frog May 2009

5

Almost Dorothy: First Day of School January 2010
1 comment

Posted in Almost Dorothy, Random Shit

Friday, Bloody Black Friday

Dear Friends & Enemies, help a girl out. Yes, it’s that time of year. I have to pay my goshdamn rent and you can help me when you shop and spend all the money you don’t have on useless holiday gifts for friends and family you don’t really like at my store. This Black Friday spend some of your hard-earned credit at Almost Dorothy’s Tee Shirt Shop where you can buy more than tee shirts. I sell baby bibs, cameras, clock, and panties with my logo.

Yes, you can have my picture on your Continue reading “Friday, Bloody Black Friday”

Posted in Almost Dorothy, Characters, Random Shit

Fringe Schminge

Hi, my name is Almost Dorothy. I’m trapped inside this blog and I can’t get out. I can’t even tied my shoes, or use proper grammar, because my shoes may or may not be untied. I’m tied up in here like Batman was tied up by the Joker. I’m like a knot that can’t unknot itself. I wish I were super powerful like superman. I wish I were able to break free from this blog post. Help! I’m toast.

Please, forget everything you’ve just read. The person who may have written the aforementioned stuff may be nuts and may not even be human, or man, or woman. He or she may be one of those UFO cast members from Mork & Mindy. Anyway, the only reason why I wrote this rant (or ramp) is this: I’ve been interviewed @ Fringe Magazine.

In this interview, they call me an experimentalist and I call them turkey guts because I thought to be an experimentalist meant one had to cut their toes off or switch heads with a mouse. It’s not like that at all, I swear, they promised me. In other words, it’s exactly like switching heads with a mouse. I’m now a mouse in the body of a boy or a girl.

Ok?

SteamPUNK Mouse by The Human Fly
Posted in Almost Dorothy, Characters, Random Shit

Fringe Magazine

Ma says I should never toot my own horn so I’m going to toot my imaginary horn and wear my horns to McDonald’s and celebrate with a Happy Meal because, you know, Happy Meals are dead cows between two buns. My point, my imaginary persona, Neil de la Flor, who I created in my imaginary world and is way way less cool than Lady Gaga, who is really really cool, just published (de la Flor not la Gaga) a new (de)Classified play (or long poem) (or short long story poem) at Fringe Magazine. It’s not about puppies. It’s about what you lose when when you look too hard for answers.  In other words, it’s about puppies.

Posted in Almost Dorothy, Random Shit

Baked Green Beans Recipe

Basically you put the green beans in a bowl, add a teaspoon of olive oil, salt and a little chili powder, then put them on a cookie sheet (without the cookies) and bake them at 350 for 20. Turn your ass around and they’re done.

Posted in Almost Dorothy, Random Shit

Pork of the Week

My father, Neil de la Flor, who is real and not real, just published a long poem @ The Offending Adam.

My imaginary creator is also trying to write reviews and previews at the Knight Foundation for the Arts Blog. Here’s his first “attempt” at writing a jazz review about the Jim Gasior Trio.

And I interview the fabulous real-life pirate (author) Terese Svoboda here.

Jim Gasior Trio/Photo by Neil de la Flor