Posted in Random Shit

decomP Reviews Almost Dorothy

“Neil de la Flor’s introduction to this collection of poetry sets the tone for what follows—it shifts form, identity and gender to fashion, something delicate and beautiful.”  Read the full review here and if you don’t I’ll eat you.

Posted in Random Shit

The Rumpus Original (Supersized) Combo with Neil de la Flor

Megan Roth interviews Neil de la Flor @ the Rumpus: “It’s high noon on Friday when I enter the Hyatt lobby bar to meet Neil de la Flor, author of the Marsh Hawk Prize winning hybrid work Almost Dorothy. De la Flor is decked out in a tailored grey suit and a pensive look that says, “Bug off.” I sashay to the bar and order a giant chocolate milk – no ice – and turn to shake hands with De la Flor. Instead, I’m greeted with an eyebrow and a quick nod at my chocolate milk. “Make that two,” he says, “And I’ll make you a star.”

Kathleen Rooney reviews Neil de la Flor’s Almost Dorothy @ the Rumpus too: testimony, memoir, stand-up comedy, you name it. Almost Dorothy—almost true, almost fiction—succeeds, because of de la Flor’s seriously playful refusal to permit it to settle on just one genre, resulting in a multifarious testament to love and family, beauty and grotesquerie, science and death—and to the language used to describe and record them all.

Posted in Almost Dorothy, Random Shit

Testis

Here’s #4 on Almost Dorothy’s list of the “Top 10 Endangered Species of the Gulf Coast Who Can’t Read or Write”

4. Mr. Testis: The last known testis, simply known as Mr. Testis, may be dead. Separated from his mother at birth, Mr. Testis lived a solitary life as an artist and fisherman along the Gulf Coast region. When Mr. Testis was nineteen, a New York City gallery, something called the MOMA, featured his artwork in a one man show. At the time, the New York Times declared that “Mr. Testis Is An Artist with Balls!”

Legend says that Mr. Testis was once the smartest ball in the hood. He wasn’t afraid of anything, not even zippers or dentures. One day Mr. Testis decided to run for President of the United States or POTUS. However, he lost to the famous talk show host, Mr. Clam Beck, who successfully labeled Mr. Testis’s liberal agenda as a communist-socialist-nazi-cannibal plot to takeover clams and oysters everywhere. Mr. Beck’s Utopian platform was based on the idea that the free-wheeling-brainless-capitalist-market-system-ism is the answer to everything. Even anal warts. Thus, he hired Mrs. Sarah Whalin’ to be his right hand clam & official warthog. Unfortunately for America, also know as the United States of Terror &  Turds, the damage had been done. Mr. Beck’s ascension to the White House sealed Mr. Testis fate as another casualty of capitalism in the Gulf Coast. Mr. Clam Beck fought to loosen the government’s grip on oil drilling in the Gulf Coast and won. As a result, BP Oil continued to spill oil into the Gulf in perpetuum. It wasn’t a pretty sight.

Interesting Note: What no one knew then, which means everyone knew then, is that Mr. Clam Beck’s Utopian delusion of the power of free markets was, in fact, an illusion. Since it was revealed that the oil industry was the most subsidized & lazily regulated industry in the USA, the GOBP party has tried to right the ship with their slapstick on Fox News. Just the other day, the New York Times headline read: “As Oil Industry Fights Tax, It Reaps Subsidies.” The next day, the New York Times was forced to move to New Jersey. To Mr. Clam Beck’s surprise, which really was a surprise since he never reads, he found his name on the list of endangered species. After leaving the Ass Wipe House, Mr. Beck realized he was one of a kind, a kind of quandumb singularity of sorts that actually inhabits the dystopia of his own creation. His call for government intervention fell on deaf ears since all ears are deaf in the age corporate socialism. As the Supreme Gourd reaffirmed, the United States of Corporations hold these truths to be self-evident, that all corporations are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Mr. Testis.

Mr. Clam
Posted in Random Shit

Safran the Sperm Whale

Here’s #3 on Almost Dorothy’s list of  the “Top 10 Endangered Species of the Gulf Coast Who Can’t Read or Write”

3. Safran the Sperm Whale: Often made fun of because of his name, Safran is a giant, quiet, and gentle man whale with a strong belief in the Almighty power of water and oxygen. Every Sunday Safran goes to the coral reef to hang out with other mammals, the same coral reef where all believers go, and leaves a tithe and socializes with friends—dolphins, sea turtles, and giant squid. Sometimes he eats the squid when he is hungry. Safran is big and his heart is bigger than a human head. He can be heard crying from a mile away. Safran, who is nearly 70 years old, has the largest brain of any animal in the world and possibly outer space. He survived the last Gulf oil disaster when he was a young man. When interviewed by Sally the Sea Turtle before Sally & Sally Sally were burnt alive, Safran was quoted as saying that “this is the worst disaster of my life. I don’t know what I’ll do without fresh fish to survive.” As Safran glided away from the Deepwater Horizon, his oil coated back glistening beneath the sun and blackened sky, he dove beneath purplelypink sludge of the Gulf of Mexico.

Posted in Random Shit

World Cup: Germany Beats Argentina 4 – 0

I wonder how many balls it takes to win a world cup soccer match. Assuming each player has two balls that’s about 22 balls. How many of those balls are protected by a jockstrap and cup? How many blades of grass sacrifice their life to cleats? How many shoelaces are broken during a game? And, most importantly, is every player required to wear a cup and jockstrap? Please, if you have the answers, let me know. Thanks.

I’m heading to the pub now with Amanda B. to watch the next game and I can’t get the idea of jockstraps out of my head. Amanda B. says their importance cannot be underestimated for the survival of the human race. Full-time protection of the crotch leads to more sex with undamaged goods and therefore may lead to more babies. I have no idea why, but I might buy one and wear it on my head next Halloween. Maybe then I’ll be a real macho boy like the ones they feature on ESPN. In the meantime, I’m going to wear my white dress and red shoes today.

Go Uruguay! Where is Uruguay? Do they speak Uru?

Marpage Jockstrap & Package
Vintage Jockstrap Ad

Posted in Random Shit

Sally the Sea Turtle

Here’s #1 on Almost Dorothy’s list of  the “Top 10 Endangered Species of the Gulf Coast Who Can’t Read or Write”

1. Sally the Sea Turtle: Sally, born somewhere on the Gulf Coast, can’t read or write, but she can swim and lay up to 2,000 eggs a year. She’s not a slut. She’s a committed housewife and mother of thousands. Even though she can lay so many eggs, her species is endangered. Ironically, Sally was recently employed as a spokes turtle for BP Oil’s Wildlife Outreach program, commonly called BOWO. Unfortunately, Sally the Sea Turtle was burned alive in a ‘controlled burn’ during a live outreach seminar on the dangers of  burning oil in the Gulf. The News  Flash: Shrimp boats used to create a corral of the oil spill by dragging together fire-resistant booms and then lighting the enclosed ‘burn box’ on fire, burnt Sally, and her sister, Sally Sally, alive, while the two endangered turtles were interviewing other endangered turtles, dolphins, and sperm whales caught in the burn box. BP Oil reported that the pair of endangered turtles experienced no pain when set ablaze.

Sally the Sea Turtle & Friends
Posted in Random Shit

Steve Fellner on Neil de la Flor

I don’t literally mean Steve Fellner is on Neil de la Flor because that would be really hard since they’re so far apart. However Steve wrote this on his fantastic blog Pansy Poetics, which isn’t a blog about flowers even though de la Flor means from the Flower in English. Read Steve’s comments here: “On Neil de la Flor’s Almost Dorothy and the Generosity of Comic Imagination.”

Posted in Almost Dorothy, Random Shit

Rue McClanahan is Dead. Long Live Rue McClanahan!

Rue McClanahan

Here we go again.

Mom is sad because Rue McClanahan is dead. Mom is sad because she is sad and because the whole fucking world is slick with oil. Mom is sad because Rue McClanahan reminds mom of her own mom just like mom reminds me of my mother. Mom is sad and I don’t know what to do or who the hell Rue McClanahan is or was or why she’s such a big deal when pelicans are drowning in the Gulf of BP Oil. Mom is sad because her heart feels like an empty coal mine. Mom is sad because Rue McClanahan is dead and Bea Arthur and Estelle Getty too.  Mom is sad because Betty White is eighty-nine. Mom is sad because I am sad that she is sad. Amanda B. is sad too but mom doesn’t believe Amanda B. is really sad sad. Amanda B. says she’s really sad and I believe her because of her sad smile and the black and blue circles under her eyes.Mom is sad because one day she’ll succumb to the sadness and collapse into her own womb. Bomb. Mom is sad because she misses her mother. Misses her brother. Misses the other weather. The kind of weather that makes a kite fly and a child feel anything is possible.  Always. Forever. No one can avoid the gulf, mom said, not even a Golden Girl.