It don’t get better, my English teacher said. She got fired and dragged out of the classroom like a dead mascot. Yesterday, my English teacher said Rick Scott is a bully, a homophobe, a twat, a turd, a turtledove, a total FCK who eats baby turtles because he’s a hater and money grubber with grubby fingernails. I swear. She said Alex Sink is better than the kitchen sink because she knows what it’s like to fight for gender equality in a male-deranged world. No, she said, Alex Sink is not man enough to be governor of Florida. She’s woman enough which is more than I can say for most men. Ma thinks my English teacher must be mentally challenged or just stupid or full of gas or inhaling gas fumes at Shell or BP. Maybe, ma says, she’s a total dork and full of crap. I tell ma my English teacher is like Annie Lennox–curious and bright, tall and bird like, but really fat. My English teacher leans forward when she speaks and she looks as if she’s about the launch into another dimension–an alternate twilight zone. But I think my teacher just leans forward cause she’s top heavy. When she speaks, I listen to her even though I don’t understand everything she says. When the principal came in to remove my teacher from the classroom, he tugged on my teacher’s teacher-sweater. He tugged her out of the room with his grubby hands on her. I thought I’d come to her emotional rescue while the man-world dragged her into his bat cave. Before she left the room, she turned toward us, leaning, and raised her flabby bat wing-arms and hollered: Fight, Almost Dorothy. It don’t get no better unless you make it so. Ma says I shouldn’t bullshit and that I don’t know how to sew. I tell her I’ll sew her hole shut if she doesn’t shut up. Needless to say, she says. Needless to say. Viva la English Teacher! Viva la revolution!
Do you understand!
I haven’t been faithful to you or constant in my criticism of your stupidity. It’s not because I don’t love you. It’s just that I’ve been taking care of mom, who has taken care of Amanda B., mom’s faithfully wedded lesbian wife, who has a cold, a serious cold, a cold that may take her life and her jeans (my favorite jeans) away for ever. Well, I’m being dramatic. That’s what I am, dramatic. I’m a kid, a pickle too. I love pickles. Rick Scott, you’re a pickle and I wish I could tickle you out of the State of Florida so that you don’t infect us with your brand of social justice. The kind of justice that takes all the social safety nets away from the most vulnerable citizens in Florida–the elderly, the young, the middle aged, the born and unborn, the smart, the gay, or bi-curious, or gender neutral or natural. Anyway, yes, Florida is vulnerable because we’re under attack–bullied–every day by your 50 million dollar political campaign to turn us back to the dark ages. The age of religious idiots and zealots. Pickle heads like you. In any case, I wish you luck in the upcoming election because it’s the only way I know how to subvert the outcome. I never get what I want. Not even a hickey. Mom’s got Amanda B. in her arms right now. She looks like a lowercase b, a baby, an infant Amanda B. But, she’ll be alright, Mr. Rick Scott. She will. I just know it. Cause Alex Sink ain’t gonna’ fucking take it, you stupid chicken head. (Ma said that.) Kisses. (I said that.)
Almost Dorothy, Mama D., and Amanda B.
Yo bitches, I mean ladies and gentlemen and their pets, please vote for Alex Sink. She’s the only verified human candidate running for Governor of Florida. She’s not a multimillion dollar evil-empire tycoon like her scandalous opponent, Rick Scott, also known as Gollum from The Lord of the Rings. So, for those of you who are super busy, you can register right now, online, to vote for Alex Sink by mail. Here’s the link. This message has not been approved by ma’ so it’s probably the right thing to do for Florida. Ma’s got the herpes right now so she’s in no shape to make any sense. Her lip looks like an exploded sausage. Oops, off track. Help save Florida from the evil Gollum, (Rick Scott), who wants to destroy our precious state with his Precious Greed. Alex Sink for FL Governor.
Breaking News: Ma is totally freaked out because the Lord of the Rings is true. She says Gollum, from the Lord of the Rings, also known as Rick Scott, won the Republican primary for Governor. She’s very afraid because he spent millions of dollars and lots of time over the last year trying to defeat healthcare reform, which ma doesn’t have but wants but can’t afford because she works 3 part-time jobs. Ma’s afraid Gollum will eat her if he wins the FL governors race. She’s afraid he’ll toss her into the ring of fire. Steal her wedding ring and wigs. She’s afraid he’ll wear her wig and ring and prance around like a she-devil or Gollum cum Dragzilla. She says he has pretty eyes though. For a goblin. She says vote for Alex Sink because she’s the only true woman in the FL governors race. Plus, she’s a hero like Frodo Baggins.