Posted in Almost Dorothy

Hand Anemone

Here’s #5 on Almost Dorothy’s list of  the “Top 10 Endangered Species of the Gulf Coast Who Can’t Read or Write”

5. Helen the Human Hand Anemone: Just like the Brown Pelicans of the Gulf Coast, Helen the Human Hand Anemone is also an ancient mammal that inhabits land and sea in just about every square inch of the Gulf Coast region. This endangered mammal, as you can see, is kind of like two humans holding hands. What makes this creature unique is that it can run a car, an oil rig, or raise itself up in protest against tyranny and global hand ringing, but it has no brain or sense of foresight. What’s also unique about this creature it has the ability to hold on tight, vote and give people the finger. In many ways, the hand anemone is the most feared and loved creature on planet earth. Without a doubt, we will miss this thick-skinned, well-worn and manicured critter.

Hands by Neil de la Flor
Posted in Random Shit

Safran the Sperm Whale

Here’s #3 on Almost Dorothy’s list of  the “Top 10 Endangered Species of the Gulf Coast Who Can’t Read or Write”

3. Safran the Sperm Whale: Often made fun of because of his name, Safran is a giant, quiet, and gentle man whale with a strong belief in the Almighty power of water and oxygen. Every Sunday Safran goes to the coral reef to hang out with other mammals, the same coral reef where all believers go, and leaves a tithe and socializes with friends—dolphins, sea turtles, and giant squid. Sometimes he eats the squid when he is hungry. Safran is big and his heart is bigger than a human head. He can be heard crying from a mile away. Safran, who is nearly 70 years old, has the largest brain of any animal in the world and possibly outer space. He survived the last Gulf oil disaster when he was a young man. When interviewed by Sally the Sea Turtle before Sally & Sally Sally were burnt alive, Safran was quoted as saying that “this is the worst disaster of my life. I don’t know what I’ll do without fresh fish to survive.” As Safran glided away from the Deepwater Horizon, his oil coated back glistening beneath the sun and blackened sky, he dove beneath purplelypink sludge of the Gulf of Mexico.

Posted in Almost Dorothy

Bonnie & Barbara, the Brown Pelicans

Here’s #2 on Almost Dorothy’s list of  the “Top 10 Endangered Species of the Gulf Coast Who Can’t Read or Write”

2. Bonnie & Barbara, the Brown Pelicans: Often referred to as B & B, Bonnie & Barbara are a hard-working same-sex Brown Pelican couple who, despite their color and oil coats, are colorful characters. Like Sally the Sea Turtle, neither can read or write, but this fact hasn’t impacted their ability to survive the age of dinosaurs. As the oil covered state birds of Louisiana, Bonnie & Barbara have started a petition to oil coat Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, who said “the drilling moratorium imposed by [the government] will only compound the State’s problems, effectively turning an environmental disaster into an economic catastrophe for the State. Every day the moratorium is in effect costs the State untold millions of dollars.” Bonnie & Barbara were shocked by Jinal’s denial of that fact that the BP Oil spill is a man made environmental disaster that created an economic disaster. Each day the disaster is compounded by BP’s failure to stop the leak. U.S. District Judge Martin Feldman, who owns or owned stock in BP Oil and Transocean, the drilling company who built the rig that exploded, agreed with Jindal and rejected the federal government’s moratorium on deep water oil drilling. Obviously, brown pelicans or sea turtles are not considered vital, or necessary, for the economic vitality of the Gulf. In addition and probably because of their stature as the state bird of Louisiana, Bonnie & Barbara were told to shut the fuck up when they asked for wipes clear their eyes of the bullshit and benzene. Bonnie & Barbara were promptly netted and shipped to the east coast of Florida, or executed, or turned into fried chicken. Their children left to fend for themselves somewhere between boom and bust. (More on them at

Brown Pelicans, Bonnie & Barbara’s Children
Posted in Random Shit

Sally the Sea Turtle

Here’s #1 on Almost Dorothy’s list of  the “Top 10 Endangered Species of the Gulf Coast Who Can’t Read or Write”

1. Sally the Sea Turtle: Sally, born somewhere on the Gulf Coast, can’t read or write, but she can swim and lay up to 2,000 eggs a year. She’s not a slut. She’s a committed housewife and mother of thousands. Even though she can lay so many eggs, her species is endangered. Ironically, Sally was recently employed as a spokes turtle for BP Oil’s Wildlife Outreach program, commonly called BOWO. Unfortunately, Sally the Sea Turtle was burned alive in a ‘controlled burn’ during a live outreach seminar on the dangers of  burning oil in the Gulf. The News  Flash: Shrimp boats used to create a corral of the oil spill by dragging together fire-resistant booms and then lighting the enclosed ‘burn box’ on fire, burnt Sally, and her sister, Sally Sally, alive, while the two endangered turtles were interviewing other endangered turtles, dolphins, and sperm whales caught in the burn box. BP Oil reported that the pair of endangered turtles experienced no pain when set ablaze.

Sally the Sea Turtle & Friends
Posted in Almost Dorothy

Top 10 Endangered Species of the Gulf Coast Who Can’t Read or Write

On June 2nd, 2010, the New York Times released its “20 under 40” list of writers to watch. The NY Times didn’t mention anything about actually reading their work, so I’m safe for now. Even though I’ve read the works of those on the list—Jonathan Safran Foer and Junot Díaz, for example—my head hurts, so I can’t and won’t read anymore. Not even in Spanish unless my latin lover makes me read to him or her in bed.

A few weeks later, Dzanc Books, pronounced Dzanc Books, released its alternative “20 Under 40” list of writers to watch. Once again, just to watch, not necessarily read. I’ve downloaded photographs of the writers on both lists to my desktop and I’m watching them. Many are cute, some not so cute. It’s been great to see the writers not grow day after day. Many have aged gracefully over the days on my desktop. I admire them so much, but I’m bored.

So, I’ve decided to make my own list, but not a list of fiction writers or dirty poets to watch or read. Instead, I’ve made a list of the Top 10 Endangered Species of the Gulf Coast Who Can’t Read or Write as a result of the  BP Oil Disaster. Because this is what I do as a grown boy playing a girl under 40, I look to nature for the true artists that have shaped our world.

Almost Dorothy’s list of  the “Top 10 Endangered Species of the Gulf Coast Who Can’t Read or Write” will be released in daily installments. Stay tuned.

Posted in Almost Dorothy, Politics, Themes

Almost Dorothy on the Mofos at BP Oil

Last night mom and I watched the Rachel Maddow show and mom was totally impressed. She said that if she were a lesbian, which she is, she’d totally marry Rachel Maddow. I would too, but that’s besides the point. Anyway, Rachel said that the Exxon Valdez oil spill, which has nothing to do with coffee maker Juan Valdez, spilled 11 million barrels of oil 21 years ago, killed more than “35,00 birds, 1,000 sea otters, 150 bald eagles (the symbol of America), 22 killer whales, and billions of salmon and herring eggs.” Plus, there’s an unknown number of animal carcasses that simply sank beneath the surface of the sea, and the effects of the oil spill is still present today. After 21 years. View the full story here.

I felt so sleepy and tired like a dog or cat, so I put my head on mom’s lap, and dreamed that an oil slick coated the Earth and filled my lungs and stopped them from working. I even dreamed that the oil slick entered my womb and invaded the womb of my future children. That’s when I woke up and realized mom was choking me. Amanda B. (the B is for Bernstein and the B is silent) laughed and said she wouldn’t have let mom kill me without a fight. Amanda B. loves me. Then Amanda B. said something so profound I almost peed. She said, “Imagine what Americans would do if the BP Oil disaster in the Gulf killed 35,000 men, women and children, 1,000 puppies, 150 kitty cats, 22 bankers, and damaged the DNA of billions of ovum and sperm.” I have no idea what sperm is but it seems very serious and, in that moment, I realized how disconnected and separate humans imagine they are from the ecosystem. From planet Earth. And live as if humans live on another planet called La La Land.

The night before mom read to me a chapter from Audre Lorde’s The Cancer Journals. I was like oh Lordy, here goes mom again, trying to be all that and smart too. Before I fell asleep, mom read this section, with tears in her mind:

For me, my scars are an honorable reminder that I may be a casualty in the cosmic war against radiation, animal fat, air pollution, McDonald’s hamburgers and Red Dye No. 2, but the fight is still going on, [Exxon Valdez & BP Oil] and [we are] still a part of it. I refuse to have my scars hidden or trivialized behind lambswool or silicone gel. I refuse to be reduced in my own eyes or in the eyes of others from warrior to mere victim, simply because it might render me a fraction more acceptable or less dangerous to the still complacent, those who believe if you cover up a problem it ceases to exist. –Audre Lorde

In 2008, the United States Supreme Court, in a 5-3 ruling, reduced the punitive damages won & awarded to victims of the Exxon Valdez oil spill from $2.5 billion to $500 million. Amanda B. asked no one in particular what the award would be if the BP Oil disaster killed 35,000 men, women, children, and puppies. Or simply caused their offspring a little cancer down the road. What is a human worth on planet earth? In outer space? I guess we’ll let the Supreme Court fight that cosmic war for us, again, fo’ sure, just like in Bush vs. Gore.

Right now Republicans are trivializing this disaster and BP Oil is charging ahead with a massive PR campaign. The goal is to make us feel good about ourselves and their stewardship over the environment, so that the deaths of millions of untold fish, sea turtles, whales, birds, animals, and their offspring, are in no way, absolutely no way, connected to us. Humans. Because humans are not animals. Because we are simply no danger to one another.