1. Ma resolves to solve the unresolved issues that plague her nanosphere with grace and humility as she tiptoes across the front yard barefoot wearing her pink biking shorts and “I Had Sex With Jesus” tee shirt.
2. Ma resolves to brush her teeth on first and second dates.
3. Ma resolves to have sex at least twice a week (with humans).
4. Ma resolves to have sex at least twice a week with the windows closed with at least 2 humans in the same room at the same time with or without sneakers and resolves to have each client come back for seconds so the neighbors don’t think she’s only into one-night stands. One-day stands don’t count, she says.
5. Ma resolves to stop reading self-help books with titles that suggest she’s half of this or half of that.
6. Ma resolves to hurl herself into the delta quadrant and kick species 8472’s ass.
7. Ma resolves to use protection even when the men of her dreams offer protection with their super powers and magic tricks. A condom, she says, is more important that the Second Coming.
8. Ma resolves to Kool-Aid.
9. Ma resolves to hug and kiss me twice a day even when she feels like punching me in the face.
10. Ma resolves to wipe from front to back (at least 3 times a week).
11. Ma resolves to be intelligent, competent, reliable, responsible, honorable, trustworthy, centered, grounded, coherent, sympathetic, empathetic, less pathetic and soulful; and she resolves to live by the code of justice even if it means wearing underwear in the most obvious places.
12. Ma resolves to fill her half-empty heart with ginger and jasmine while she drains the other half of Tabasco sauce and curry; and she resolves to stop buying into the scheme that a heart can be half of this or half of that because if it weren’t full 24/7 she’d be dead. Only the non-living, she says, believe in this symbolic bullshit.
13. Ma resolves to make fun of angels and everything holy because nothing is sanctified.
14. Ma resolves to celibacy, but I think she really meant sobriety.
14.5 Ma resolves to reveal what’s inside.