Posted in Almost Dorothy

A Prayer for a Red Room

Red Velvet | Photo by Neil de la Flor
Red Velvet | Photo by Neil de la Flor

1. I had my money on him like I have money like I’m sick of him trying to get to me like Jesus.

2. He walks through my red living room to the other red room wearing a jockstrap and high-heel boots.

3. He carries white roses in case it’s Christmas.

4. He is not a jock or Christ-like, but his chin is sanctified.

5. The strap pulls strangely around his cheeks looking like the jowl of a skinny pitbull.

6. He sits on the sofa and the sofa is surrounded by candles that are lit and not lit and he is lit and I’m unaware that he is.

7. He is positive yoga will solve history. And dance. And cartography.

8. Life is interesting, I say, when you become interested in life.

9. He is in the corner of the room kicking at the demons and blames me for leaving the mattress alone.

10. He shaves his or her hair and Lakshmi doesn’t want anymore children because Shiva has turned blue and cold even though he is dancing.

11. Always dancing.

12. He reads the illustrated Holy Bible in my red red room and the red room reads with him. The red velvet curtains seal the red room as the incense from New Mexico burns on the fireplace lined with paper dolls—

13. of Jesus & Mary, of all the saints & all the apostles, of the one true God–as the archangels swoop down and set fire to them.

14. An effigy of the burning boy burns in the red room of paper dolls.

Posted in Almost Dorothy

The Restroom

Restroom

Sorry I haven’t posted in a whale. Ma lost my computer so I couldn’t access the Internet from inside my head. Ma also bought a new car. Well, she stole the car but it is new. For real. She even got a full tank of gas with it. We’re in hiding near a lake staring (or starring) at a man who says he will destroy the world with his fist. We laugh at this man and his fist standing on the lip of a lake in the forest. Gump. The police are looking for the car. Looking for ma. Looking for stolen property and what is proper.  I won’t tell you where we are but we are in the real world, not MTV’s Real World, but the world in which we listen to birds. We are in Chicago and Santa Cruz, which is the birthplace of Santa Claus. I don’t know what to do with ma and her new 4-wheel drive. I don’t know where we are, but we’re having fun. She told her girlfriend, Amanda Bernstein (the B is silent) not to worry, not to panic, just relax and chill. Code for a freak out. I let ma drive until we arrive in another dimension because I don’t have a driver license or training wheels. I’m too young to drive. Ma forgot her ATM pin number. I ask her what’s her favorite 4-letter word and the code comes back to her like that. Ma and I are approaching a new manifold dimension of we, a dimension where ma and I can have milk and cookies in peace. Together. Without running from the police. My fingers are crossed in the shape of two legs crossed. We’re laughing like Thelma & Louise. Or Luis. My nose itches and I have to pee. Then rest for to(ma)rrow.

Posted in Almost Dorothy, Characters, The Potty Mouth Interviews

Jesus Christ: The Pickup Truck & The Man Who Put Christ In Christmas

This fella’ needs no introduction. Y’all know him as the Son of God but to me He’ll always be the Jesus of Pickups. I caught up with Him in Knoxville, Tennessee on the intersection of What The Fuck and Holy Shit strapped to the back of a 4×4. He was dashing and tan—even witty—and getting ready for a stint in front of someone’s house for the Holidays. He didn’t seem to mind the weather or the carbon monoxide exhaust. “The South”, He said. “Is full of contrition. And global warming is just a hoax!” He’s a big joker. Although he was in a hurry He spared a few precious moments to be interviewed for my Potty Moth series. “What the fuck,” He said. “If they can tie me to the back of a pickup, I can Potty Mouth it up with you, bitch!” Enjoy.

Jesus Christ

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