Posted in Almost Dorothy, Characters, Politics, The Mother, Themes

Rick Scott for Governor Sucks: Part 1, Family Values

Rick Scott for Governor

“I’m an across-the-board conservative. I am pro-life and support traditional marriage. We need to protect our values as well as our tax dollars.” – Rick Scott

Dear Rick, Mom and Amanda B., my two moms, think you should go f-ck yourself. That’s a direct quote. On your website for Governor, you write that you and your wife are high school sweethearts and have been married for 37 years. Mom says wow, big deal, Amanda B. and mom have been together for less than a year and they’ve raised a litter of cats and a dog and me without a problem except for the time mom lit the neighbor’s yard on fire by accident (on purpose) with a blow torch and lighter fluid. Your website also says that “together [the two of you] have raised two daughters, Jordan and Allison. Rick knows that strong families are fundamental to a strong America and he will fight [with boxing gloves?] to preserve traditional marriage and protect society’s most vulnerable – the unborn and elderly.”

Well, Amanda B., the B. is silent, so it’s really Amanda ., says, “what the fuck, Rick!” Protect the unborn? How do you protect something that doesn’t exist? Are you going to protect the idea of the unborn too?  Or just force women who are pregnant (by law) to surrender the right to her own body to you? To a politician who has no personal connection to most women that this kind of policy will impact? The real question, that you won’t address, is this: Will you provide every woman who is pregnant with universal access to health care so that she can get prenatal care and the kid can get all his/her shots when he or she is born? What about protecting those who are between “unborn” and “elderly”? Do they just spend the majority of their real lives struggling without healthcare? Rick,  your vision of governance, in you panavision, cares more about the pre-existence or possibility of human life than the actual children, teenagers, young adults and adults that live and struggle daily without access to healthcare? Oh, and at what age do you define “elderly”? 60? 70? 80? 90?

Amanda B. says fuck you (the u in fuck you is silent so it sounds like fck yo) and your horse and your stupid platform and your shiny head made for rubbing Johnson’s Baby Oil. Amanda B. says your wife must be really nice to stand your bullshit. Or deaf. Or…I won’t quote the other stuff Amanda B. says. It’s not fit for print on a blog that no one reads.

Rick Scott for Governor Family Values Platform:

  • Rick believes in the sanctity of human life (but not the sanctity of the living, and only if you are unborn or elderly which is between old, very old, and very very very old.)
  • Rick is pro-life. He is opposed to abortion and believes that Roe v. Wade should be overturned (so that his daughters, who may be raped one day just like Amanda B. was raped one day, is forced by the GOVERNMENT to have the child without her consent or healthcare to care for the child once it’s born.)
  • Rick believes that marriage should be between one man and one woman (so long as the man has a penis and the woman does not have a penis.)
  • Rick believes that we should appoint commonsense judges to protect our rights, our laws, and religious liberties by enforcing the law (which really means he wants to appoint religious police to oversee and replace our personal ‘liberties’ with his ‘religious liberties’ just like the religious police in Iran, Saudi Arabia, and Afghanistan do. The same judges that beat women or condemn them to death by stoning who don’t follow strict ‘religious’ codes. Bye bye Britney Spears and your crotch shots!)

Isn’t it ironic, Rick, that your platform and rhetoric are not true ‘conservative values’. Don’t tread on me and personal liberty are codes for I’ll tread on you with my own Rick Scott values. In fact, your ideas are ultra fascist bullshit that mom says you love because you’ve got the money to buy your freedom if you’re ever in a jam, or pickle, just like bribes got ladies of a certain class special access to abortions when the poor and unconnected were forced to have children or died while receiving substandard care in dark alleys. Because of your warped idea of government intervention in the personal lives and liberties of Americans, you and your politics, are unAmerican. In Amanda B.’s words, “Rick, keep your dick out of my vagina! Pickle head!”