Posted in Almost Dorothy

14 Things I learned about dating donkeys

English: Two men shoeing a donkey. Black-and-w...
English: Two men shoeing a donkey. Black-and-white photograph. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1. Donkeys don’t date. They hook up or get hitched.

2. There’s no in between because that space in between hooking up and getting hitched is mined with the awkward sound of hu(man) communication.

3. What one donkey wants and what one donkey needs are often confused.

4. Wash hands. Rinse. Repeat. Often.

5. If one attracts a donkey, follow donkey home. Exit car or whatever mode of transportation you chose to take. Proceed to ddonkey’s bedroom window and watch for another donkey (male) (or female) (or male and female) beside your donkey date in his bed with his arms wrapped around him or her or them. In lieu of an empty nest. In lieu of loneliness.

6. Donkeys are quantum singularities in a pluralistic society.

7. Bring your own condom. Donkeys are also irresponsible.

8. Vegetarian donkeys are too complicated.

9. Omnivore donkeys are too voracious.

10. Coffee is code for sex. Sex is code for loneliness. Loneliness is code for only ever wanting sex. LTR is code for “Like Truly Ridiculous”.

11. Most donkeys can’t formulate a complete sentence in real-time unless it’s a text message.

12. A white knight is never a white knight.

13. A donkey is a hoofed mammal with long ears and a braying call; an ass.

14. A white donkey is still a donkey.

Posted in Almost Dorothy

Shiny Toy Shoes

“Earth below us drifting, falling, floating weightless, calling, calling home. Across the stratosphere a final message: give my [ma] my love then nothing more.” –Peter Schilling


I’m thankful for ma.

I’m thankful for her decision to go vegetarian this holiday.

I’m thankful for water.

I’m thankful for soap.

I’m thankful for floating and my plastic wrap.

I’m thankful for pancakes and turtles, rocks and sea grass.

I’m thankful for differential calculus and graphic novels.

I’m thankful for the blue bird, the red bird, the green and yellow bird, the white and black bird, and the gray ones too.

I’m thankful for Wonder Woman, her comforter and the Holy Spirit’s ruby red glittery shoes.

I’m thankful for NOH8 and the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen.

I’m thankful for Snoopy and Charlie Brown, Charlie’s Angels and the Killing Moon too.

I’m thankful for silence and music, especially music.

I’m thankful for candied yams and sweet potato pie and toes.

I’m thankful for gravity and convection.

I’m thankful for Good Will Industries and Good Will Hunting.

I’m thankful for almost every thing that ends in ing–dreaming, breathing, swimming, singing, loving, blinking.

I’m thankful for Rollerblades and the lizard sunbathing on the lawn chair.

I’m thankful for the almost in all of us and the wholeness in one.

I’m thankful for spell check and, to be honest, fried chicken too.

I’m thankful for the Tin Man and mangoes.

I’m thankful for feedback and French Fries.

I’m thankful for the return of Bobo the Mutt and Amanda Bernstein (the B is Silent) too.

I’m thankful for stars and their guidance at night.

I’m thankful for night and knights and shining armor.

I’m thankful for amor, Almodovar, and troubadours.

I’m thankful for Thursday and every word that ends in day.

I’m thankful for translation software.

I’m thankful for the red shoes that have been with me and will be with me every step I take.

I’m thankful for ma’s faux turkey stuffed with candied yams and sweet potato pie.

I’m thankful for my wardrobe and luggage and all the things that exist or will exist in space, time and memory.

I’m thankful for Goldfrapp and Frappuccinos.

For happiness.

For sadness.

For love and hate.

Anger and peace.

The end and the beginning and the stuffing in between.

I’m thankful for Yemen, freedom from dictatorship, and the dictatorship of freedom (Yemen’s President Resigns).

I’m thankful for Youtube, WordPress and Facebook.

I’m thankful for Peter Schilling and Shiny Toy Guns.

Plants and oxygen too!

And especially the moon.

Almost Dorothy A-float | Photo by Neil de la Flor
Posted in Almost Dorothy, Culture Clash

Almost Dorothy Is Back

Almost Dorothy Wasn’t Born this Way | Photo by Neil de la Flor

My alter-ego is back. He (or she-he) spent the week writing brilliant stuff at BAP, Bad Ass  Poetry, I mean, the Best American Poetry blog. By brilliant stuff, I don’t mean turkey stuffing. I mean semi-well lit and deranged writings that are luminous (because they were written by candle light), goofy, sad, stupid, smart, funky, discoish, totally gay,  impersonal, way too personal, problematic, polemic, prosthetic, hectic, corny, cheesy, divine, trashy, semi-soft pornographic (not really) and, most of all, honest (more or less).

I’m glad my alter-ego is back. I’m glad he has taken over my body again. I’m glad because I think he may have learned something about himself that he didn’t know before, but knew, but didn’t want to accept. Anyway, hopefully he’ll treat me better and not make me write stupid things on this blog too often. But, I won’t hold my breath, because a breath is really hard to hold in one’s hand.

Here are the links to this weeks postal posts at BAP if you wanna read. Don’t take it all too seriously. Please. 

July 10, 2011: “Oprah, Mood, Swings, Set, Go, (Dis)order”. Excerpt: “Last night I took the “Mood Disorder Questionnaire” at http://www.oprah.com because I believe in Oprah, polar bears and the accuracy of self-diagnosis on the Internet at the witching hour while moderately depressed. In other words, I had nothing better to do.”

July 11, 2011: “Kazaky, Wonder Woman, Pedicures, Lago Mar, & Other Stuff”. Excerpt: “I need a pedicure. I need to spend more time Little Miss Sunshining my ass on a hammock on Fort Lauderdale beach. I need to live in the present tense. I need to stop caring about my presence in the present tense. Ghosts exist in every tense–past, future, present and inside the tenses that exist in between these.”

July 12, 2011: “Mama Mia, Chiquitita, Sinead O’Connor, Ladytron and Pegasus“. Excerpt: “Resistance is futile, so I bought tickets to see (the best damn) ABBA (tribute band in the world) next week at the Hardrock Casino in Hollywood, Florida. I’m super excited because “Mama Mia” may go with us. She is a “Super Trouper” and a “Dancing Queen”. We invited “Fernando”, but he has to work, which is too bad because he does the best Cubano rendition of “Chiquitita” never recorded.”

July 13, 2011: “Florence + The Machine, Piss Christ, War, Little Miss Sunshine, District 9 & Then Some”. Excerpt: “This is what I taught this semester while wearing a fedora: Florence + the Machine: I’m obsessed with Florence and her red hair. I’m obsessed with her cosmic voice. I’m obsessed with her lineage and her Celtic robes. I think she is an extraordinary terrestrial.”

July 14, 2011: “Do Not Disturb Rocks & Other Things I Saw Today”. Excerpt: “I took a coffee break. I passed by Saint Anthony’s Church. I saw this statue and took a photograph of it to remind me that I am not a statue.”

July 15, 2011: “Disco”. Excerpt: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to disco.”

July 16, 2011: “Goldfrapp, Stepmothers, Scissors, Brandon, Depeche Mode, & Why I Was Born (More or Less) This Way”. Excerpt: “I’ve walked into strange places where, say, a DJ spin spins beneath a canopy of scissors and walked out because I am afraid of heights, of danger, of people and places that take me out of my center of gravity. When danger enters my life like an uninvited ghost with scissors, I use to run. No more. Because there is beauty in danger if you give it enough time to reveal itself.”