Posted in Politics

10 Things You Should Know About Rick Scott (According to Ma)

Rick Scott For Governor
Image by calebism via Flickr

Please note: most of the FYIs below may or may not relate directly or indirectly to Rick Scott, (aka Gollum) Governor of Florida. Furthermore, none of the following FYIs should be taken with a grain of salt or pepper. In fact, ma has high-blood pressure, not from smoking pot, but because her blood is high, elevated with Red Bull.

FYI 1: Ma says Rick Scott violated state statues by illegally and inappropriately selling airplanes owned by the taxpayers of the State of Florida (Miami Herald). She also says what do you expect from a criminal who was the CEO of HCA/Healthcare, the same company that committed the largest US Health Care Fraud in history and was fined $1.7 Billion! (United States Department of Justice).

FYI 2: Ma says never make out with a drunk when you are depressed or you may get poked in the eye by a Gremlin or a penis with dientes, which means teeths in English.

FYI 3: Ma says it’s okay, age-appropriate, alright to drink a lot a lot so long as you don’t barf on your date. Aim for foes, she says. Like Rick Scott.

FYI 4: Ma says after decades of protection as “de facto” wilderness, the National Park Service has decided to open up 130 miles of off-road vehicle (ORV) trails in the Big (Ass) Cyprus Preserve, plus secondary trails, three parking lots off Interstate 75 with 47 trailer sized parking spaces each for loading and unloading ORVs, and a motorized campground. Access to motor vehicles, vehicles with motors, has never been allowed on these lands (Palm Beach Post). Rick Scott has nothing to do with this plan however as Governor Gollum of Florida he has the responsibility to speak out in our state’s best interests.

FYI 5: Ma says never take it from behind from a Portuguese cell phone repairman carved out of wood. Splinters, she says, are fucking splinters.



FYI 6: I just blushed.

FYI 7: Rick Scott, Gollum Governor of Florida, rejected $2.7 billion worth of funding for high-speed-rail from the Federal Government. This project has been underway for over 10 years and could have brought thousands of jobs to the state. Scott, before elected, promised to boost total employment. Instead, Scott is playing Russian roulette with Florida’s most important industry–tourism–by minimizing the economic value of quickly shuttling people back and forth from the state’s main attractions. It would be nice to hop on a high-speed train to major tourist destinations in Florida just like ma and I did when we went to  Spain (Los Angeles Times). There’s a good chance, ma says, that Rick Scott is bowing to special corporate interests (the airline industry) just like SouthWest Airlines killed a bullet train proposal in Texas (Wall Street Journal). Scott says the train will burden taxpayers which really means the train project will probably burden them with extra jobs, more travel options, and cheaper prices due to competition.

FYI 8: Obviously, ma says, Rick Scott is not a progressive. He’s a conservative which, in our antiverse, means Slurpee suck every last Red Bull blood cell out of Florida’s locofuckingmotive economy.

FYI 9: Ma says her favorite song for Rick Scott is “Stripped” by Depeche Mode because in that state of strippedness hu(man)s are the ugliest and that’s when we stand out.



FYI 10: Dry humping is most dangerous during the dry season.

FYI 10.1: Rick Scott’s nominee to lead Florida’s Agency for Persons with Disabilities, Carl Littlefield, resigns because it was revealed that he okay’d a practice known as “quiet time.” That’s when male residents were permitted (or forced?) to have sex with each other. (Ma’s not sure what’s wrong with male on male sex but obviously this isn’t good for Scott’s reputation as a Christian fundamentalist.) Littlefield was a jucking ferk for allowing sex abuse to happen while in charge, which leads ma to the question: Why did Rick Scott pick him to watch over the disabled? (WTSP 10 News).

Posted in Almost Dorothy

Gollum Inaugurated Governor of Florida

Gollum (Rick Scott)

Rick Scott, also known as Gollum from the Lord of the Rings, is now the 45th Governor of the State of Florida. Ma and I ran out and got all of our abortions done before he bans women from the right to choose, to work, to eat and, most importantly, to make out with whoever we want. We also got ma a third and fourth job because he’ll probably close down all the titty bars and elementary schools where ma works. Ma’s not a teacher but she’s got a Ph.D in bullshit. Gollum says he wants to get Florida back to work. Just in case Gollum is an idiot, we’re already working. Gollum, we’re already working! What we’re missing are social services to keep us afloat and healthy. Yes, the same socialist systems you stole from, Herr Gollum, like Medicare, Medicaid and Healthy Kids.

Ma says leave Rick Scott alone. He’s just a billionaire Medicare scam artist who spent $60 million dollars of his own money (which he stole from the federal government) (which are the hard earned tax dollars ma paid into a system Gollum wants to destroy) on his campaign for governor. Now Rick Scott is the chief executive of one of the largest states in the United States and he’s also on record as the chief executive of HCA/Healthcare which received the biggest fine from the federal government–$1.7 billion. Rick Scott also funded “Conservatives for Patients Rights” to fight President Obama’s healthcare reform. Gollum wants ma and I to go without healthcare , deny choice and right to access. I guess he prefers ma sick so she can spread her mental illnesses across the State. It’s not a good state ma is in and Rick Scott doesn’t care otherwise why would he rip off Medicare and fund an organization dedicated to stopping national healthcare reform.

He won’t even say whether or not homosexuality is immoral. He won’t even admit that he likes cats. Creep.

Anyway, ma and I wish Rick Scott lots of luck because we love our State of Florida–our perpetual state of disrepair and dope fiends. We hope he won’t ruin it and cut our healthcare and education systems. He probably will. He’ll probably cut thousands of essential government jobs. He’s already said that’s at the top of his list. And he’ll probably blame people like ma and me for lowering the moral character of this great nation of ours. Which is fine. Ma and I are going to go into the multi-billion dollar Medicare fraud business and one day we’ll earn the same respect Rick Scott gets, the Governorship of Florida. 2.5 million Floridians are idiots. Yes, every one of you who voted for him, including ma. Let the games begin, Florida. I wish you luck, my little precious.

Posted in Almost Dorothy, Characters, The Mother

Rick Scott (Gollum) Wins Florida GOP Primary

Gollum or Rick Scott
Rick Scott or Gollum

Breaking News: Ma is totally freaked out because the Lord of the Rings is true. She says Gollum, from the Lord of the Rings, also known as Rick Scott, won the Republican primary for Governor. She’s very afraid because he spent millions of dollars and lots of time over the last year trying to defeat healthcare reform, which ma doesn’t have but wants but can’t afford because she works 3 part-time jobs.  Ma’s afraid Gollum will eat her if he wins the FL governors race. She’s afraid he’ll toss her into the ring of fire. Steal her wedding ring and wigs. She’s afraid he’ll wear her wig and ring and prance around like a she-devil or Gollum cum Dragzilla. She says he has pretty eyes though. For a goblin. She says vote for Alex Sink because she’s the only true woman in the FL governors race.  Plus, she’s a hero like Frodo Baggins.