14 Things I learned about dating donkeys

English: Two men shoeing a donkey. Black-and-white photograph. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1. Donkeys don’t date. They hook up or get hitched.

2. There’s no in between because that space in between hooking up and getting hitched is mined with the awkward sound of hu(man) communication.

3. What one donkey wants and what one donkey needs are often confused.

4. Wash hands. Rinse. Repeat. Often.

5. If one attracts a donkey, follow donkey home. Exit car or whatever mode of transportation you chose to take. Proceed to ddonkey’s bedroom window and watch for another donkey (male) (or female) (or male and female) beside your donkey date in his bed with his arms wrapped around him or her or them. In lieu of an empty nest. In lieu of loneliness.

6. Donkeys are quantum singularities in a pluralistic society.

7. Bring your own condom. Donkeys are also irresponsible.

8. Vegetarian donkeys are too complicated.

9. Omnivore donkeys are too voracious.

10. Coffee is code for sex. Sex is code for loneliness. Loneliness is code for only ever wanting sex. LTR is code for “Like Truly Ridiculous”.

11. Most donkeys can’t formulate a complete sentence in real-time unless it’s a text message.

12. A white knight is never a white knight.

13. A donkey is a hoofed mammal with long ears and a braying call; an ass.

14. A white donkey is still a donkey.

No Light, No Light [after Florence + the Machine]

1. Last night ma renewed her faith in God. The One that lives inside Florence, she says. And tells her what to sing.

2. Ma raises her glass of beer to the cupboard and praises the hole in her head.

4. She sings: No light. Nude light. Lamp light. Some light. Fading light. Flash light. Lady bug light. I’m so light.  

5. Ma is playing with ghouls and demons. They shake a stick at her. She sticks a shake in them. It’s all done. Finished. The space between them is closer than ever, which means they are closer to peace than ever, which means I am closer to the ghouls and demons in ma’s bedhead.

6. It’s shake-n-bake and taco night.All you can eat.

7. Ma is alert to the possibility of heaven, the possibility of ghosts.

8. A revelation is a way to feel elated, ma says, and a way to see blind.

9. The horse draggin’ ma around is really a mouse.

10. It is really a horse dressed as a mouse, a rude mouse, the kind that inhabits ma’s wil-da’-beast imagination.

11. Ma loves potato chips and pumpkin pie. Salvation Army and the army. Office supplies and herbs.

12. No light, ma says, means it is all dark. 

13. That’s obvious, I tell ma. There’s never light in the dark. 

14. Obviously, ma says, you have no faith in hope.