Posted in Almost Dorothy

14 Things I learned about dating donkeys

English: Two men shoeing a donkey. Black-and-w...
English: Two men shoeing a donkey. Black-and-white photograph. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

1. Donkeys don’t date. They hook up or get hitched.

2. There’s no in between because that space in between hooking up and getting hitched is mined with the awkward sound of hu(man) communication.

3. What one donkey wants and what one donkey needs are often confused.

4. Wash hands. Rinse. Repeat. Often.

5. If one attracts a donkey, follow donkey home. Exit car or whatever mode of transportation you chose to take. Proceed to ddonkey’s bedroom window and watch for another donkey (male) (or female) (or male and female) beside your donkey date in his bed with his arms wrapped around him or her or them. In lieu of an empty nest. In lieu of loneliness.

6. Donkeys are quantum singularities in a pluralistic society.

7. Bring your own condom. Donkeys are also irresponsible.

8. Vegetarian donkeys are too complicated.

9. Omnivore donkeys are too voracious.

10. Coffee is code for sex. Sex is code for loneliness. Loneliness is code for only ever wanting sex. LTR is code for “Like Truly Ridiculous”.

11. Most donkeys can’t formulate a complete sentence in real-time unless it’s a text message.

12. A white knight is never a white knight.

13. A donkey is a hoofed mammal with long ears and a braying call; an ass.

14. A white donkey is still a donkey.

Posted in Almost Dorothy

California’s Same-Sex Marriage Ban is Unconstitutional

Godsend | Photo by Neil de la Flor

I’m gonna get same-sex married one day, I tell ma. I swear on my left wing. Marriage is for lovers, ma says. No it isn’t, I tell ma. Virgina is for lovers. Today ma and I decided we are going to the Supreme Court to support the upcoming battle over the constitutionality of same-sex marriage. Because we exist, ma says, we have rights. Even though Newt Gingrich exists, I say, he doesn’t have the right to take our rights away.

Because we believe in equal rights for all, ma and I will support the GLBTQ-I-PYT-R.E.S.P.E.C.T. Community. That’s what real humans do, ma says, support justice for all.

This morning ma packed up the van. We don’t really have a van but she stole the neighbor’s keys so we’ll use his van. He’s ok with it, ma says. Besides, I left him a bag of jasmine rice.

In any way, whatever happens, all I know is that same-sex marriage, just like different-sex marriage, should be granted to all human Americans because we are all human Americans. I mean, what if I want to marry my neighbor and we happen to share the same genitals? And what if we don’t have any genitals or decide to change our genitals after we marry? Does that mean we can’t get married or have to get unmarried? I mean, gosh, even criminals–murderers and rapists–can get married in jail. I can’t get married and I’ve never committed a crime except for maybe wanting to get married to someone who shares the same genitals I do. I don’t even know what genitals are.

Same-sex marriage shouldn’t be banned because I pay taxes. Taxes that go to pay for educating children of different-sex couple, taxes that pay for war, taxes that pay for social security benefits for widows of different-sex marriages, taxes that are used to pay for ‘investment’ credits for oil drilling companies like Exxon.

This ruling is a godsend, ma says. It is, I tell ma. And we are all god’s children, ma says.  Besides, this is one beautiful same-sex nation under malls.

Posted in Almost Dorothy, Politics

Rick Scott Hates Homosexuals + Single Ladies

Generic image of rick scott
Rick Scott, Florida's Gollum Governor

I have nothing against Florida Gollum Governor Rick Scott. In fact, I like his bald head, and want to dress him up as Hello Kitty and take him baldroom dancing.

The other day, Florida Gollum Governor Rick Scott said this: “I believe that adoption should be by a married couple.” This is what Florida Gollum Governor Rick Scott told reporters and editors at the annual Associated Press planning session in Tallahassee, FL.

I’m not sure what the reporters asked him after that, or if they had the opportunity to ask him more questions, Scott is famous for avoiding the press, but if I were there, as a real reporter would, I would have asked him a few follow up questions. Por ejemplo:

1. Dear Florida Gollum Governor Rick Scott (Note: I wouldn’t use the word Gollum in real life), should all children born in the Hysterical State of Florida be required to have two opposite sex parents, regardless of whether or not the child was adopted or was the biological offspring of said opposite sex parents?

2. What happens if one parent changes his/her mind and wants to be gay? Should we send the child back to God or force the parent to stay heterosexual?

3. Furthermore, what should we do with all the single moms and dads like my mom and dead dad. Should these single parents be forced to give up their children or rise from the dead to take care of them again because they’re not married and don’t want to get married or are dead? Should the parents of their own biological children be forced to marry, Rick Scott?

4. Where do adopted babies come from?

5. If only married couples should be allowed to adopt, what do you propose we do when that couple gets a divorce?

6. Hey, Rick Scott, did you know that according to CBS News, Florida has the highest divorce rate in the country and that South Florida has the highest concentration of divorces in the whole state? It’s true. Read it here, Baby Scott.

7. Where do parents come from?

8. So, if only married couples are permitted to adopt, when they divorce, which is likely, should the adopted child be returned to the state and/or should the parents be forced to remain married?

9. Are you a insane?

10. No, Florida Gollum Governor Rick Scott, that wasn’t a rhetorical question.