Posted in Almost Dorothy

Rick Perry is an Ass, Hillary Clinton Rocks

Evidence of a real human being:

Ma says she is a proud American woman (or man). She says she is so proud she would give up her life for this country. She would even join the gay military that Rick Perry talks about and sacrifice her life to save his life and his wife’s life and the lives of his children. The same military that defends this country from wannabe fascists or fascists in training like Rick Perry is the same military that now welcomes openly LGBT Americans to serve their country. (I almost wrote Rick Scott.)

As of December 8th, 2011, ma is now a registered Republican–the party of H8 and fart heads–because she wants to make a point. I’m not sure what point she is trying to make, but she’s ma. However I suspect her point is this: gay people are everywhere. We live in every state, every country on planet earth, and we are part of every political party known to man-woman-child. I support ma cause ma is human. Even though she is insane, just like everyone, she should receive the support of every goddamn politician–gay, bisexual, transsexual, asexual or heterosexual–on this planet. Because all  politicians are humans they don’t have any more rights or less rights than any other human being.

Being LGBT does not make you less human, Hillary Clinton says. And that’s that, ma says.

Ma finds it offensive that a man running for President of the United States of America would run an ad implying that gays make America weak. He’s a fart head, ma says. Plain and simple. But that is what makes America great. We cherish idiots (Rick Perry) just as equally as we cherish the brave voices (like Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton) that defend those who have been silenced, brutalized, and marginalized because of who they are.

Thank God I’m a republican, ma says. Now I can vote for gay-friendly republicans…as soon as the come out of the closet.

Evidence of an idiot:

Posted in Politics

Governor Rick Scott (Kind of) Hates Teachers & Katy Perry

Katy Perry at the Life Ball 2009, Rathaus, Vienna.
Image via Wikipedia

“An analysis of decennial Census data clearly shows that over the past 60 years the annual pay teachers receive has fallen sharply in relation to the annual pay of other workers with college degrees. The mid- to late 1990s, a period of vigorous national economic growth, was a particularly bad time for teacher pay relative to the pay of other occupations” (Teacher Pay 1940-2000: Losing Ground, Losing Status).

Ma says some politicians, especially republican politicians, blame teachers for the collapse of our education system which, to her headphones, is like blaming Superman for his superpowers rather than rewarding him. Ma says republican politicians are kryptonite because they’re forcing teachers to pay for the budget crisis affecting many states while they cut taxes for the wealthy and large businesses.

Ma says, “if they take the kryptonite off teachers’ necks, the true power of supermen and women will be unleashed. Ta-dah!”

For example, ma mad read this morning that Florida Gollum Governor Rick Scott and the republican legislature imposed a 3 percent pay cut on all teachers to help fill the budget hole (Miami Herald). Ma says the politicians should be used to fill that hole. “Sell your cars”, ma shouts at me as coffee spurts out of her mouth like a barrage of bullets from semi-automatic weapon. “Pass me the milk”, she grunts.

The teacher’s union is now suing Rick Scott but Wisconsin’s republican governor and legislature have forced teachers to accept pay cuts or they would lose their collective bargaining rights (Outside the Beltway).

Ma asks: “What’s left to give when we got nothing left to give but our pantyhose?”

While it is true that states are facing big budget troubles ahead, it is also true that some of these states are cutting taxes for the rich while making the rest of the population, including teachers, firefighters, and police officers, pay for the budget shortfall. In effect, the working-class are paying for the economic crises caused by the wealthy, by the banks and by risky, irresponsible traders, which was all made possible by deregulation of the banking industry.

“What’s your point?”, I ask ma. She looks at me like I’m Katy Perry. “What’s your point?”, I ask again and that’s when ma points at my fat head. “The point is”, she says, “you don’t know nothing because your teachers get paid nothing”.

It is true that bad teachers are probably not good educators just like good teachers are probably good educators. It is also true that bad pay probably doesn’t attract good educators just like good pay probably attracts good doctors, lawyers and bankers. What rational human being would spend $100,000 on an undergraduate and graduate degree for a job that pays $30,000 – $60,000 a year when they can earn twice that amount in another field? What rational human being would care more about their job after the boss cuts their pay and benefits? What kind of human being cuts the pay and benefits for the people who educate the children who will have a direct impact on our future well-being?

“Republicans do”, ma says, “because they only think about the present. Because they only care about what is and not what they will cause. The effects, for them, are bubbles.”

I laugh but ma doesn’t laugh. She just points to her t-shirt: “You get what you pay for!”

According to the NEA, “By 2000, the average female with four years of college made 16.4 percent more than the average female teacher and the average male with four years of college made a whopping 60.4 percent more than the average male teacher. When the average earnings of male and female teachers are combined and compared with the average pay of all non-teachers with at least four years of college, the difference is 53.5 percent in the year 2000. This actually understates the pay gap because a large proportion of teachers have master’s degrees, making them more educated than their comparison group” (Teacher Pay 1940-2000: Losing Ground, Losing Status).

Before ma leaves for work in her best non-dress dress, she tells me I should never become a teacher. “Be a lawyer or doctor. Be a scientist or an astronaut. Be something valuable and worthy”.

“Okie-donkey,” I say.

“And become a man too,” she says. “They get paid more than people like you and me.”

I tell ma that I am a man. She laughs, points at my Katy Perry t-shirt, and then slams the front door shut.

Again.

Posted in Almost Dorothy, Politics

10 Reasons Why I Love New York

Gay Pride Miami Beach | Photo by Neil de la Flor

1. Because New York is new and full of York, I love New York.

2. Because New York doesn’t reject people and opened her arms to ma’s ma, my grandma, who is more or less the same ma that lived in a concentration camp in Europe during the second war, the same second war that turned all moms into orphans and all orphans into moms, the same war that saw the bright light of the first atomic bomb, I love New York.

3. Because of Union Square & China Town & Madonna, I love New York.

4. Because New Yorkers have nice hair, I love New York.

5. Because during the Pleistocene ice age, New York’s Central Park was carved out of bedrock by gigantic glaciers, I love New York.

6. Because New York is the home of the Empire State Building and Broadway, Lady Bunny and Bunny Rabbits, Bergdorf Goodman and M&J Trimmings, I love New York.

7. Because the other day a New York cabbie saved ma’s life when she was choking on a Hebrew National Hot Dog splattered with mustard and sauerkraut, I love New York.

8. Because New York is, I love New York.

9. Because I am full of love and hope, and I believe in the primacy of equal and equitable human rights of all humans and Florence’s machines, I love New York.

10. Because homosexuals like ma and me, Newt Gingrinch and Rick Scott, and the entire cast of Jersey City can now legally marry in the great State of New York, I freaking love New York!

Posted in Glit Lit, Politics

“Uterus Is Not a Dirty Word” and Other Body Politics (& Poetics)

blue=uterus=pretty

I “incorporated” my uterus today and it felt good. Somewhat weird for me, I admit, a non-incorporated independent cowgirl sort of poet—not a company woman or an entrepreneur, not a commodity specialist or even a worth-her-salt consumer. Still, my uterus is my own business now, I’ve got a certificate to prove it, and I owe it all to Susannah Randolph, the uncanny, and her husband Scott Randolph, the canny. Or vice versa. Either way, she’s got a uterus and he’s Florida’s Democratic House Representative from Orlando. (Don’t confuse him with debonair Randolph Scott, the actor, or with full-of-hot-air Rick Scott, the so-called Governor of Florida. Thanks.)

So: Susannah said to her husband Scott at dinner one night that if she would incorporate her uterus, maybe Republicans would drop the 18 anti-abortion measures they’re considering during the legislative session. I wish I knew what Scott and Susannah were having for dinner that night or if she’d just read my favorite poem by Lucille Clifton to Scott over mango salsa and chips, but This Is What Happened After That (very cool):


 

For my part, I thought you might like to look at what three poets have to say. Truth be told, poets have been incorporating our uteruses for years.


Wandering Uterus

By Leslie Adrienne Miller

Leonardo believed that semen came down
from the brain through a channel in the spine.

And that female lactation held its kick off
in the uterus. Not as bad as Hippocrates,

who thought the womb wandered the ruddy
crags of a woman’s body, wreaking a havoc

whenever it lodged, shoving aside
more sensible organs like the heart.

All manner of moral failings, snits,
and panics were thus explained, the wayward

organ floating like Cleopatra’s barge
down the murky canal of any appendage

or tying up at the bog of the throat.
One can’t help but imagine a little halved

walnut of a boat like that in Leonardo’s
drawing, the curled meat of the fetus

tucked inside, harboring near a naughty eye
or rebellious ear that never can hear

what a man might mean when he says yes
or
always. It’s all still beautifully true

what these good scientists alleged: the brain
is as good a place as any for the manufacture

of evanescence, and why not allow
that the round and sturdy skiff of the uterus

may float and flaunt its special appetite for novelty,
even if we dub it dumb, lined with tentacles,

many-chambered, and errant as the proverbial knight
seeking out adventure, but loyal to one queen.

(Originally published in The Kenyon Review, 2006)

 

Poem to my uterus

By Lucille Clifton

you uterus
you have been patient
as a sock
while i have slippered into you
my dead and living children
now
they want to cut you out
stocking i will not need
where i am going
where am i going
old girl
without you
uterus
my bloody print
my estrogen kitchen
my black bag of desire
where can i go
barefoot
without you
where can you go
without me

(From Quilting, BOA Editions, 2000)

 

In Celebration of My Uterus

By Anne Sexton

Everyone in me is a bird.

I am beating all my wings.

They wanted to cut you out

but they will not.

They said you were immeasurably empty

but you are not.

They said you were sick unto dying

but they were wrong.

You are singing like a school girl.

You are not torn.

 

Sweet weight,

in celebration of the woman I am

and of the soul of the woman I am

and of the central creature and its delight

I sing for you. I dare to live.

Hello, spirit. Hello, cup.

Fasten, cover. Cover that does contain.

Hello to the soil of the fields.

Welcome, roots.

 

Each cell has a life.

There is enough here to please a nation.

It is enough that the populace own these goods.

Any person, any commonwealth would say of it,

It is good this year that we may plant again

and think forward to a harvest.

A blight had been forecast and has been cast out.”

Many women are singing together of this:

one is in a shoe factory cursing the machine,

one is at the aquarium tending a seal,

one is dull at the wheel of her Ford,

one is at the toll gate collecting,

one is tying the cord of a calf in Arizona,

one is straddling a cello in Russia,

one is shifting pots on the stove in Egypt,

one is painting her bedroom walls moon color,

one is dying but remembering a breakfast,

one is stretching on her mat in Thailand,

one is wiping the ass of her child,

one is staring out the window of a train

in the middle of Wyoming and one is

anywhere and some are everywhere and all

seem to be singing, although some can not

sing a note.

 

Sweet weight,

in celebration of the woman I am

let me carry a ten-foot scarf,

let me drum for the nineteen-year-olds,

let me carry bowls for the offering

(if that is my part).

Let me study the cardiovascular tissue,

let me examine the angular distance of meteors,

let me suck on the stems of flowers

(if that is my part).

Let me make certain tribal figures

(if that is my part).

For this thing the body needs

let me sing

for the supper,

for the kissing,

for the correct

yes.

 

From The Complete Poems of Anne Sexton (Boston: Houghton Mifflin, 1981).

 

More Political Stuff:

Susannah Randolph’s website: www.pinksliprick.com

Scott Randolph’s petition: http://signon.org/sign/uterus-is-not-a-dirty

More background:

http://www.miamiherald.com/2011/04/06/v-fullstory/2154351/from-the-florida-house-to-national.html#ixzz1JG0opMPH

and http://www.miamiherald.com/2011/04/10/2157896/anti-abortion-legislation-goes.html

How to incorporate your uterus: http://www.incorporatemyuterus.com/

 

Maureen Seaton, 4/11/11

Posted in Politics

10 Things You Should Know About Rick Scott (According to Ma)

Rick Scott For Governor
Image by calebism via Flickr

Please note: most of the FYIs below may or may not relate directly or indirectly to Rick Scott, (aka Gollum) Governor of Florida. Furthermore, none of the following FYIs should be taken with a grain of salt or pepper. In fact, ma has high-blood pressure, not from smoking pot, but because her blood is high, elevated with Red Bull.

FYI 1: Ma says Rick Scott violated state statues by illegally and inappropriately selling airplanes owned by the taxpayers of the State of Florida (Miami Herald). She also says what do you expect from a criminal who was the CEO of HCA/Healthcare, the same company that committed the largest US Health Care Fraud in history and was fined $1.7 Billion! (United States Department of Justice).

FYI 2: Ma says never make out with a drunk when you are depressed or you may get poked in the eye by a Gremlin or a penis with dientes, which means teeths in English.

FYI 3: Ma says it’s okay, age-appropriate, alright to drink a lot a lot so long as you don’t barf on your date. Aim for foes, she says. Like Rick Scott.

FYI 4: Ma says after decades of protection as “de facto” wilderness, the National Park Service has decided to open up 130 miles of off-road vehicle (ORV) trails in the Big (Ass) Cyprus Preserve, plus secondary trails, three parking lots off Interstate 75 with 47 trailer sized parking spaces each for loading and unloading ORVs, and a motorized campground. Access to motor vehicles, vehicles with motors, has never been allowed on these lands (Palm Beach Post). Rick Scott has nothing to do with this plan however as Governor Gollum of Florida he has the responsibility to speak out in our state’s best interests.

FYI 5: Ma says never take it from behind from a Portuguese cell phone repairman carved out of wood. Splinters, she says, are fucking splinters.

 

 

FYI 6: I just blushed.

FYI 7: Rick Scott, Gollum Governor of Florida, rejected $2.7 billion worth of funding for high-speed-rail from the Federal Government. This project has been underway for over 10 years and could have brought thousands of jobs to the state. Scott, before elected, promised to boost total employment. Instead, Scott is playing Russian roulette with Florida’s most important industry–tourism–by minimizing the economic value of quickly shuttling people back and forth from the state’s main attractions. It would be nice to hop on a high-speed train to major tourist destinations in Florida just like ma and I did when we went to  Spain (Los Angeles Times). There’s a good chance, ma says, that Rick Scott is bowing to special corporate interests (the airline industry) just like SouthWest Airlines killed a bullet train proposal in Texas (Wall Street Journal). Scott says the train will burden taxpayers which really means the train project will probably burden them with extra jobs, more travel options, and cheaper prices due to competition.

FYI 8: Obviously, ma says, Rick Scott is not a progressive. He’s a conservative which, in our antiverse, means Slurpee suck every last Red Bull blood cell out of Florida’s locofuckingmotive economy.

FYI 9: Ma says her favorite song for Rick Scott is “Stripped” by Depeche Mode because in that state of strippedness hu(man)s are the ugliest and that’s when we stand out.

 

 

FYI 10: Dry humping is most dangerous during the dry season.

FYI 10.1: Rick Scott’s nominee to lead Florida’s Agency for Persons with Disabilities, Carl Littlefield, resigns because it was revealed that he okay’d a practice known as “quiet time.” That’s when male residents were permitted (or forced?) to have sex with each other. (Ma’s not sure what’s wrong with male on male sex but obviously this isn’t good for Scott’s reputation as a Christian fundamentalist.) Littlefield was a jucking ferk for allowing sex abuse to happen while in charge, which leads ma to the question: Why did Rick Scott pick him to watch over the disabled? (WTSP 10 News).

Posted in Almost Dorothy, Politics

Rick Scott Hates Homosexuals + Single Ladies

Generic image of rick scott
Rick Scott, Florida's Gollum Governor

I have nothing against Florida Gollum Governor Rick Scott. In fact, I like his bald head, and want to dress him up as Hello Kitty and take him baldroom dancing.

The other day, Florida Gollum Governor Rick Scott said this: “I believe that adoption should be by a married couple.” This is what Florida Gollum Governor Rick Scott told reporters and editors at the annual Associated Press planning session in Tallahassee, FL.

I’m not sure what the reporters asked him after that, or if they had the opportunity to ask him more questions, Scott is famous for avoiding the press, but if I were there, as a real reporter would, I would have asked him a few follow up questions. Por ejemplo:

1. Dear Florida Gollum Governor Rick Scott (Note: I wouldn’t use the word Gollum in real life), should all children born in the Hysterical State of Florida be required to have two opposite sex parents, regardless of whether or not the child was adopted or was the biological offspring of said opposite sex parents?

2. What happens if one parent changes his/her mind and wants to be gay? Should we send the child back to God or force the parent to stay heterosexual?

3. Furthermore, what should we do with all the single moms and dads like my mom and dead dad. Should these single parents be forced to give up their children or rise from the dead to take care of them again because they’re not married and don’t want to get married or are dead? Should the parents of their own biological children be forced to marry, Rick Scott?

4. Where do adopted babies come from?

5. If only married couples should be allowed to adopt, what do you propose we do when that couple gets a divorce?

6. Hey, Rick Scott, did you know that according to CBS News, Florida has the highest divorce rate in the country and that South Florida has the highest concentration of divorces in the whole state? It’s true. Read it here, Baby Scott.

7. Where do parents come from?

8. So, if only married couples are permitted to adopt, when they divorce, which is likely, should the adopted child be returned to the state and/or should the parents be forced to remain married?

9. Are you a insane?

10. No, Florida Gollum Governor Rick Scott, that wasn’t a rhetorical question.

Posted in Almost Dorothy

Gollum Inaugurated Governor of Florida

Gollum (Rick Scott)

Rick Scott, also known as Gollum from the Lord of the Rings, is now the 45th Governor of the State of Florida. Ma and I ran out and got all of our abortions done before he bans women from the right to choose, to work, to eat and, most importantly, to make out with whoever we want. We also got ma a third and fourth job because he’ll probably close down all the titty bars and elementary schools where ma works. Ma’s not a teacher but she’s got a Ph.D in bullshit. Gollum says he wants to get Florida back to work. Just in case Gollum is an idiot, we’re already working. Gollum, we’re already working! What we’re missing are social services to keep us afloat and healthy. Yes, the same socialist systems you stole from, Herr Gollum, like Medicare, Medicaid and Healthy Kids.

Ma says leave Rick Scott alone. He’s just a billionaire Medicare scam artist who spent $60 million dollars of his own money (which he stole from the federal government) (which are the hard earned tax dollars ma paid into a system Gollum wants to destroy) on his campaign for governor. Now Rick Scott is the chief executive of one of the largest states in the United States and he’s also on record as the chief executive of HCA/Healthcare which received the biggest fine from the federal government–$1.7 billion. Rick Scott also funded “Conservatives for Patients Rights” to fight President Obama’s healthcare reform. Gollum wants ma and I to go without healthcare , deny choice and right to access. I guess he prefers ma sick so she can spread her mental illnesses across the State. It’s not a good state ma is in and Rick Scott doesn’t care otherwise why would he rip off Medicare and fund an organization dedicated to stopping national healthcare reform.

He won’t even say whether or not homosexuality is immoral. He won’t even admit that he likes cats. Creep.

Anyway, ma and I wish Rick Scott lots of luck because we love our State of Florida–our perpetual state of disrepair and dope fiends. We hope he won’t ruin it and cut our healthcare and education systems. He probably will. He’ll probably cut thousands of essential government jobs. He’s already said that’s at the top of his list. And he’ll probably blame people like ma and me for lowering the moral character of this great nation of ours. Which is fine. Ma and I are going to go into the multi-billion dollar Medicare fraud business and one day we’ll earn the same respect Rick Scott gets, the Governorship of Florida. 2.5 million Floridians are idiots. Yes, every one of you who voted for him, including ma. Let the games begin, Florida. I wish you luck, my little precious.

Posted in Almost Dorothy, Politics

FCKH8: FCK RICK SCOTT 2.0

It don’t get better, my English teacher said. She got fired and dragged out of the classroom like a dead mascot. Yesterday,  my English teacher said Rick Scott is a bully, a homophobe, a twat, a turd, a turtledove, a total FCK who eats baby turtles because he’s a hater and money grubber with grubby fingernails. I swear. She said Alex Sink is better than the kitchen sink because she knows what it’s like to fight for gender equality in a male-deranged world. No, she said, Alex Sink is not man enough to be governor of Florida. She’s woman enough which is more than I can say for most men. Ma thinks my English teacher must be mentally challenged or just stupid or full of gas or inhaling gas fumes at Shell or BP. Maybe, ma says, she’s a total dork and full of crap. I tell ma my English teacher is like Annie Lennox–curious and bright, tall and bird like, but really fat. My English teacher leans forward when she speaks and she looks as if she’s about the launch into another dimension–an alternate twilight zone.  But I think my teacher just leans forward cause she’s top heavy. When she speaks, I listen to her even though I don’t understand everything she says. When the principal came in to remove my teacher from the classroom, he tugged on my teacher’s teacher-sweater. He tugged her out of the room with his grubby hands on her. I thought I’d come to her emotional rescue while the man-world dragged her into his bat cave. Before she left the room, she turned toward us, leaning, and raised her flabby bat wing-arms and hollered: Fight, Almost Dorothy. It don’t get no better unless you make it so. Ma says I shouldn’t bullshit and that I don’t know how to sew. I tell her I’ll sew her hole shut if she doesn’t shut up. Needless to say, she says. Needless to say. Viva la English Teacher! Viva la revolution!

Posted in Almost Dorothy, Characters, Politics

Rick Scott: Fifth

Michael McAauliffe is a cute-y pie. He must be right! I believe what he says about Rick Scott 110%. I just practiced kissing him on YouTube, kissing Michael not Rick Scott. This is a gift from a liar pants.