Posted in Almost Dorothy

Bonnie & Barbara, the Brown Pelicans

Here’s #2 on Almost Dorothy’s list of  the “Top 10 Endangered Species of the Gulf Coast Who Can’t Read or Write”

2. Bonnie & Barbara, the Brown Pelicans: Often referred to as B & B, Bonnie & Barbara are a hard-working same-sex Brown Pelican couple who, despite their color and oil coats, are colorful characters. Like Sally the Sea Turtle, neither can read or write, but this fact hasn’t impacted their ability to survive the age of dinosaurs. As the oil covered state birds of Louisiana, Bonnie & Barbara have started a petition to oil coat Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal, who said “the drilling moratorium imposed by [the government] will only compound the State’s problems, effectively turning an environmental disaster into an economic catastrophe for the State. Every day the moratorium is in effect costs the State untold millions of dollars.” Bonnie & Barbara were shocked by Jinal’s denial of that fact that the BP Oil spill is a man made environmental disaster that created an economic disaster. Each day the disaster is compounded by BP’s failure to stop the leak. U.S. District Judge Martin Feldman, who owns or owned stock in BP Oil and Transocean, the drilling company who built the rig that exploded, agreed with Jindal and rejected the federal government’s moratorium on deep water oil drilling. Obviously, brown pelicans or sea turtles are not considered vital, or necessary, for the economic vitality of the Gulf. In addition and probably because of their stature as the state bird of Louisiana, Bonnie & Barbara were told to shut the fuck up when they asked for wipes clear their eyes of the bullshit and benzene. Bonnie & Barbara were promptly netted and shipped to the east coast of Florida, or executed, or turned into fried chicken. Their children left to fend for themselves somewhere between boom and bust. (More on them at

Brown Pelicans, Bonnie & Barbara’s Children
Posted in Random Shit

Sally the Sea Turtle

Here’s #1 on Almost Dorothy’s list of  the “Top 10 Endangered Species of the Gulf Coast Who Can’t Read or Write”

1. Sally the Sea Turtle: Sally, born somewhere on the Gulf Coast, can’t read or write, but she can swim and lay up to 2,000 eggs a year. She’s not a slut. She’s a committed housewife and mother of thousands. Even though she can lay so many eggs, her species is endangered. Ironically, Sally was recently employed as a spokes turtle for BP Oil’s Wildlife Outreach program, commonly called BOWO. Unfortunately, Sally the Sea Turtle was burned alive in a ‘controlled burn’ during a live outreach seminar on the dangers of  burning oil in the Gulf. The News  Flash: Shrimp boats used to create a corral of the oil spill by dragging together fire-resistant booms and then lighting the enclosed ‘burn box’ on fire, burnt Sally, and her sister, Sally Sally, alive, while the two endangered turtles were interviewing other endangered turtles, dolphins, and sperm whales caught in the burn box. BP Oil reported that the pair of endangered turtles experienced no pain when set ablaze.

Sally the Sea Turtle & Friends
Posted in Almost Dorothy

Top 10 Endangered Species of the Gulf Coast Who Can’t Read or Write

On June 2nd, 2010, the New York Times released its “20 under 40” list of writers to watch. The NY Times didn’t mention anything about actually reading their work, so I’m safe for now. Even though I’ve read the works of those on the list—Jonathan Safran Foer and Junot Díaz, for example—my head hurts, so I can’t and won’t read anymore. Not even in Spanish unless my latin lover makes me read to him or her in bed.

A few weeks later, Dzanc Books, pronounced Dzanc Books, released its alternative “20 Under 40” list of writers to watch. Once again, just to watch, not necessarily read. I’ve downloaded photographs of the writers on both lists to my desktop and I’m watching them. Many are cute, some not so cute. It’s been great to see the writers not grow day after day. Many have aged gracefully over the days on my desktop. I admire them so much, but I’m bored.

So, I’ve decided to make my own list, but not a list of fiction writers or dirty poets to watch or read. Instead, I’ve made a list of the Top 10 Endangered Species of the Gulf Coast Who Can’t Read or Write as a result of the  BP Oil Disaster. Because this is what I do as a grown boy playing a girl under 40, I look to nature for the true artists that have shaped our world.

Almost Dorothy’s list of  the “Top 10 Endangered Species of the Gulf Coast Who Can’t Read or Write” will be released in daily installments. Stay tuned.